"Thank you...

...for all you don't do."

Yes, as un-politically correct as that may seem to say that, if you take the time to think about it, it's a very valid reason to appreciate each Pastor's Wife.

Brother Lappidoth

A few weeks ago, Mr/Brother Lappidoth crossed my mind. I started wondering what life was like for him as a leader's spouse. I wondered if people had the same (or more expectations) of him since his wife, Deborah, was a Prophetess/Ministry Leader (actually a National leader) as we people have these days of Pastors' wives.


I really like the way the Living Bible translation puts the only verse where he is mentioned in the Bible:

Judges 4:4 - Israel’s leader at that time, the one who was responsible for bringing the people back to God, was Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth. (TLB)

From this verse, it was clear that Deborah was the "shepherd" of the people under God. So was Brother (or Pastor) Lappidoth automatically in charge of the Men's Ministry? Was he expected to (learn and) know how to sing, play an instrument and lead the choir?


As I wondered about this, I also wonder about the wonderful men who are married to female Pastors. What are the church members' expectations of them? Are there any? If there are, has anyone ever told (or dared to tell) them what they are?


I'm sure that this post is raising more questions than answers. I smile as I write this because I remember a dear sister - a Mrs Pastor - who shared how the members of the church came up with a list of things they expect her to do following a meeting they had in her absence. Oh my?!


All I can say as a Mrs Pastor, is seek, find and fulfill ONLY God's expectations for you. Personally, I have found that when I do that, they have also met people's expectations. And those expectations not met are best left unmet because I was created to please God by doing His will - not to please people.


For those of us who have various expectations of Pastors' wives, I ask that you be considerate. If you talk to some of them, you will realize that like me, all they did was "marry their best friend"...and then they became the wife of the Pastor when their husbands became a pastor.
Next time you start a list of expectations, on your own or with others, remember Bro Lappidoth.

Recommended Reading
http://thomrainer.com/2017/09/ten-unfair-expectations-pastors-wives/


Recommended viewing:
http://www.pursuegod.org/handling-expectations-insights-from-pastors-wives-1/

It's a 2-way street

A few weeks ago, I snapped at my husband over the phone. As I meditated on the incident, it was obvious that it though it wasn't a "TA" situation, it was an "SA" one. As I pondered, the Holy Spirit kindly asked/ reminded me of 3 things - in this order:

1. He asked me if my outburst aligned with these verses that I constantly challenge myself to live up to: Proverbs 31:11-12 - ¹¹ Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. ¹² She brings him good, not harm,  all the days of her life. (NLT)
2. Did I just "touch" (actually "hurt")  the Lord's Anointed knowing that God clearly says Psalm 105:15: “Do not touch my anointed ones, or harm my prophets.”*** Oh my! how could I have done that?! Now it was no longer about how I felt about my self-set standard (see #1 above), it was now about whether or not I was obeying God's Word.
3. While I was scolding myself, He then said: "You know, you are also God's anointed one... so you should not be "hurt" either." Awww...how sweet. I was happy to hear that but before I started gloating, He reminded me that this still did not justify my outburst. 

So essentially, what I learned was:

• Love and respect in marriage is a 2-way street - that must be why we have Ephesians 5:21**** in the exact location prior to the list of a husband's responsibilities to his wife and vice-versa.
• The fact that it is a 2-way street does not mean that you need to wait for traffic on the other "street" before you make progress on your side of the street.
• In marriage, you need more than love for each other to stay in love and more importantly married. You need God - Who is Love - as the 3rd cord****** to keep you and your spouse intact. It's also God that gives us the grace and humility to apologize when you are wrong...as I was.

  

  
  

I'm sure you know that there's a lot more to this post...

Well, I encourage you not to bother about what I've not said and rather look into your marriage and see how you can make sure your side of the "street"  honors God and brings pleasure to your spouse. I'm off to maintain my side of the "street"...

References:

*Transferred Aggression

** Suppressed Annoyance

*** Christian Standard Bible (CSB)

****Psalm 105:15 - “Do not touch my chosen people, and do not hurt my prophets.” (NLT)

*****Ephesians 5:21 - Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. (MSG)

******Ecclesiastes 4:12 - An enemy might be able to defeat one person, but two people can stand back-to-back to defend each other. And three people are even stronger. They are like a rope that has three parts wrapped together—it is very hard to break. (ERV)

No uniformity required

Psalm 133 - ¹ Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! ² It is like the precious ointment poured on the head, that ran down on the beard, even the beard of Aaron [the first high priest], that came down upon the collar and skirts of his garments [consecrating the whole body]. ³ It is like the dew of [lofty] Mount Hermon and the dew that comes on the hills of Zion; for there the Lord has commanded the blessing, even life forevermore [upon the high and the lowly]. (AMP, italics mine)

There is so much talk in Ministry about Unity and it's sometimes misused...in my opinion

My gift to you

Today is a really special day for me...so I decided to give you a gift. Actually I'm sharing a  gift I received. I really like this article and what do you know? It was published exactly 3 years ago to the day.

5 Gifts for Your Pastors for Pastor Appreciation Month (and all the time)*

October is fast approaching, which means so is “Pastor Appreciation Month.” Very few folks celebrate Pastor Appreciation Month, and I am not advocating that it become a more prominent holiday on our calendars. While I am grateful for those in our churches who express appreciation to pastors during October, it is far better for the pastors, their families, and the churches they serve if the love, support, and encouragement is ongoing. Below are two important passages and five gifts we should give our pastors.
Pastors, myself included, sometimes struggle to point out these passages because they can come off as self-serving. I likely feel more comfortable posting this because I am not serving as a “pastor” in my day-job at this point, but that shouldn’t be the case as these passages are in the Bible.

Remember your leaders who have spoken God’s word to you. As you carefully observe the outcome of their lives, imitate their faith…Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account, so that they can do this with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you. Pray for us; for we are convinced that we have a clear conscience, wanting to conduct ourselves honorably in everything.
(Hebrews 13:7,17-18)

 The elders who are good leaders should be considered worthy of an ample honorarium, especially those who work hard at preaching and teaching. For the Scripture says: Do not muzzle an ox while it is treading out the grain, and, the worker is worthy of his wages.
(1 Timothy 5:17-18)

1. Pray for them.

The writer of Hebrews asked for prayer. The greatest gift you can give your pastors is prayer. Pray that the Lord will keep them to Himself, pure and blameless (1 Timothy 3:2). Pray they will persevere in life and doctrine (1 Timothy 4:16). And pray for their families as their families shoulder the burden of ministry alongside them. As you pray for your pastors, you will find yourself loving them more and more. You can’t pray for someone and despise them at the same time.

2. Imitate their faith.

The writer of Hebrews challenges us to imitate our leaders. Of course, this is a challenge for leaders to be imitable, to live holy lives in response to the grace of God. And obviously this does not mean our pastors are perfect, as the writer of Hebrews has clearly articulated Jesus as the only perfect One. But this does mean we should learn from our pastors; we should put into practice the faith we see displayed in them.

3. Follow their lead.

The writer of Hebrews says we are “to obey our leaders and submit to their authority.” The abuses of power and the ministers who fall morally do not negate the truth of this verse, and likewise should not negate our observance of it. Surely there are times when a pastor, because of sin, disqualifies himself from ministry and no longer has the privilege of asking God’s people to follow. In the same way, a pastor who distorts the truth of the gospel should not be listened to or followed (Galatians 1:9). But if we are in churches led by godly leaders who herald the truth of God’s Word, we should follow.

In His providence, God places pastors in their places of ministry. The Lord gives them unique gifts and specific passion for the churches they serve and the communities they serve in. Their passion, sense of mission, and specific gifting will and should impact the direction of the church.

4. Pay them well.

This is biblical. The church’s goal should not be to “starve the pastor to keep him humble.” That is the Lord’s work, not the work of the finance committee. Too many pastors and their families are under unnecessary financial stress because some churches are not generous in this manner.

5. Help them love their families well.

Pastors must be able to love and shepherd their own families well if they are to lead the people of God (1 Timothy 3:5). Help your pastors love their families well by not putting expectations on them that would equate to neglecting their families if they actually lived up to the expectations. Rejoice that your pastors disappoint others by not accepting all invitations so that they may invest more in their own families.

A pastor never “clocks out.” A pastor is a pastor all of the time. The responsibility is enormous as, to quote Martyn Lloyd-Jones, the pastor “is given charge of souls.” Let’s encourage, love, and support our pastors as they seek to faithfully fulfill all the duties of their ministries.

Source:
* https://ericgeiger.com/2014/09/5-gifts-pastors-pastor-appreciation-month-time/#.VCmbaCtdVA0
 

Get ready...

...for Pastor Appreciation Month

Last year when writing about Pastor (& Pastor's Wife) Appreciation Month, I came across this article & felt that it would be great to help us all get ready for the month ahead. Pictures mine.

What NOT to Get Your Pastor for Pastor Appreciation Month* by Eric Geiger

October is fast approaching, which means so is “Pastor Appreciation Month.” Very few folks celebrate Pastor Appreciation Month, and I am not pushing for it to become a more prominent holiday on our calendars. ...Pastors should be appreciated all the time, and not just one month a year. Pray for your pastors, pay them well, and give them time and space to love and lead their families.

At the same time, I am grateful for the few folks in every church who remember Pastor Appreciation Month, likely because the Christian radio station they listen to reminds them. Because I am no longer a “pastor” as my full-time job, I feel some freedom to speak a bit bluntly about some of the gifts our pastors, your pastors, may be in jeopardy of receiving this year. If you have given your pastor some of these gifts before, don’t feel bad. There is no condemnation here. Only grace. And your pastor really did know you cared, was honored you remembered him, and likely thought, “It is the thought that counts.” But I want to be helpful and encourage you NOT to get your pastor the following this year:

 

“Praying hands”

 

Hopefully he seeks the Lord for the joy of knowing God, for himself and his family, and for the church. But he doesn’t need another set of “praying hands.”

 

A leadership/church book you want him to read

 

If you hand your pastor a book with these instructions, “I really think YOU need to read this book. Please let me know your thoughts,” your pastor will likely not enjoy the book. Your pastor will likely wonder the entire time what deficiency you think he has in his leadership/ministry that he must read about in the book. While he may benefit from the book, it surely won’t be a relaxing read that feels like “appreciation.”

A tie

 

I know this sounds cruel, but when he opens the box, he will be thinking, “How many times do I need to wear this tie so it looks like I am grateful?” This is especially true if the tie has Christian fish on it. Or a decorated Christmas tree.
 

A Bible

He already has one. If not, you need another church.

 

A pair of tickets to a scrub matchup

Many pastors like going to games, but if you are just looking for a charitable way to offload the tickets you don’t want to the worst game on the schedule, please don’t think of your pastor first.

 

A card with nothing in it

The workman is worthy of at least a Starbucks gift card.

If your shopping list has been destroyed and you are asking yourself, “What should I get my pastor?” First, begin with this list**. And if you still feel compelled to get a gift, I suggest a gift certificate to a great restaurant, a gift card for some books, or a gift card for a sporting event or play (depending on the taste of your pastor). A gift card allows your pastor to choose the books or choose the night to spend time with his wife. Include an encouraging note and you are golden.

 

Save the “praying hands” for your uncle and the scrub match tickets for StubHub.

 

References:

* Source: https://ericgeiger.com/2014/09/get-pastor-pastor-appreciation-month/

** Mrs Pastor: I'll share this list next week

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For) concluded

This is the final piece of a lovely article by Kelly O’Dell Stanley. Thank you dear friend for sharing this.


4. Don’t put her on a pedestal. 
She deserves your respect, but she is flawed, just like we are. If you demand too much--or build her up too much--it is likely that she will fall. She has insecurities, and she can be hurt by your words and actions and judgments. Offer her grace if she forgets your name, or doesn’t choose your idea for a fundraiser, or picks a Bible study you don’t like, or reprimands your child, or just wears a really unflattering outfit. 


It’s hard enough for any of us to juggle our personal faith lives, the demands of family, and the responsibilities of work. Remember that she’s doing it all while everyone else watches. Be quick to offer help and slow to profess judgment, because she’s doing the best she can. She will likely do many amazing things, but if--when--she falls short, she needs your love and acceptance.


5. Let her have close friends. 
She needs a safe place to vent, an outlet where she can laugh and be silly or sit and weep over her burdens. People within the church may be jealous of her close friendships, but she needs time to be herself--without the title or responsibilities of her position. Don’t assume that she’s telling her friends your secrets; trust her integrity. But be glad for her when she can find time to have fun, and don’t criticize her if she’s not always available. 


If you’re one of her close friends, offer her a listening ear and lots of laughter. She may not want advice; she just needs a friend to share her wild and crazy, difficult and demanding, absurd and wonderful life with. Pray for her and appreciate her, but don’t get possessive. Chances are, she is in control of very little of her time, so say yes when she finds a few minutes to offer you.


Pray with me? 
Dear Lord, it is an honor and a privilege to serve You. But some roles, like that of a pastor and his wife, come with weighty expectations. Help me not to place unreasonable expectations on those who serve You, and replace my judgment and criticism with passionate prayer and generosity of spirit.


Thank You for the dedication of my pastor’s wife. Thank You for the woman she is--the good and bad, the strong and the weak. Show me how to love her just as she is, and teach me to appreciate the particular ways You have designed her to fulfill it. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
 
Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home.
Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com
Publication date: January 26, 2017

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For) cont'd

The first part of this lovey and loving piece by Kelly O’Dell Stanley was shared last week. 1. Remember that each woman is different, and that there are many ways to successfully serve God and the Church as the wife of a pastor.  Give her the gift of allowing her to be exactly who she is, without pretense. If she’s musical, let her sing. If she’s not, don’t force her. If she’s an introvert, don’t throw her in front of huge crowds unexpectedly, and if she’s an extrovert, don’t forbid her to reach out to people. She may be similar to the last pastor’s wife--or the polar opposite. But that’s okay because God gave us all different gifts and personalities. Let her be the woman God made her to be, and don’t try to force her into your image of what that should look like. 2. She needs worship time as much as anyone. Let her have it.  Don’t assault her with problems and petty complaints when she walks in the church doors, and unless it’s urgent, don’t pull her out of the church service to tell her details of your latest drama. If you can, give her time to come before God on her own. To let God renew and refresh her, and to allow her to unburden herself of the week’s worries.  She carries more than you probably realize--so many people’s secrets and fears and ugly realities--and she knows that God is the only One who can equip her to serve with a pure heart. Give her this time to worship God in whatever way she chooses--whether expressively or quietly, whether from the front of the stage or in the back row of the pews. Her personal faith is immensely important, and just like the rest of us, she has to devote herself to finding intimacy with God--in church and at home. 3. Love her family.  Just as she doesn’t need the weight of unreasonable expectations, neither does her family. Her kids will make mistakes. They might act out or make poor decisions at times, and she and her husband might have struggles in their own relationship or extended families. This is just the way life is, not a reflection of your pastor’s ministry or walk with God. When these things happen, embrace her family just as they are, and encourage them like you would anyone else.  On the flip side, don’t make her feel guilty when things are going smoothly--when they receive financial blessings, or have a happy marriage, or their kids excel. Life is a series of ups and downs, and God is present in both the trials and the triumphs. Their blessings don’t diminish what God has for you, nor is God’s will in their lives better or more valuable than what He will do in yours.  However, in order to have a good family life--and in order to have the strength to do their jobs well--they need time together. Alone. Make sure to keep their vacation time uninterrupted, and encourage your pastor and his wife to do things together, just the two of them. She needs his attention, too.   Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home. Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com Publication date: January 26, 2017

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For)

I received this lovely piece from a very dear friend and Mrs Pastor. You can see so much love in this... Do you ever feel like you are saddled with the weight of other people’s expectations on top of your own burdens? I do. But imagine what it would be like to have everyone watching you--seeking your advice but also witnessing your failures. Needing your family’s help but judging their every move. Loving you but expecting more than you have to offer. I am not a pastor’s wife, although in my own ministry, as an author, I’ve seen something similar. But today I’m talking to you as a close friend of the wife of a pastor, sharing some of the insights I’ve had from observing and talking to her and others in her position. Most pastors’ wives I know are widely loved by their churches and treated with kindness and good intentions, but that role may be paired with unreasonable expectations, quick judgment, and a heavy burden to carry. Think about it. If the pastor’s wife gets involved in every situation people bring to her, she’s controlling. If she tries to correct someone, she’s abrasive. If she doesn’t show her insecurities, we think she’s “all that” and too good for us, and if she lets us see her flaws and mistakes, we judge her for not being holy enough. If she guards time with her family, she may be seen as selfish and unavailable, and if she doesn’t, she’s judged for her wifely and motherly failures. And yet the pastors’ wives I’ve known tend to be deeply spiritual--this is not just their husband’s faith, but their own source of strength. They work hard, often behind the scenes without the credit and acclaim given to their husbands, and have the added responsibility of being his sounding board and helper. They open up their homes and their families to the church (and many outside of the church)--as well as to our intense scrutiny.  So what can we do to help them? To put actions behind our words of appreciation? To show our love and respect? Your pastor’s wife might never ask for these things, yet I believe giving them to her will enable her to serve with joy and gladness. To be continued... Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home. Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com Publication date: January 26, 2017

Public Service Announcement!

Those were the 3 words that dropped in my heart when I saw this picture my dear friend and fellow Mrs Pastor - to another Pastor of course - sent to me.

 

I know from personal experience how easy it is to get caught up in the "Work of the Lord" and cut out spending time with the Lord of the Work and the Word of the Lord of the Work.

Today is the 37th day of this year - 10% of the year is already gone and a good time for a "Pulse-check". The question I have for myself and I'm generously extending to you is "How much time have you (i.e. me) spent in the Work of the Lord vs. with the Lord of the Work?"

A lot of times, we (at least I) feel a pull to be on the "go" doing the work of the Lord - in response to what I call a "Public Service Announcement" whereas maybe the Holy Spirit is simply tugging at my heart to slow down and spend more time with Him. The fact of the matter is if we want to do more for God we need to spend more time with Him. Without Him, we can do nothing* and it is only when we are with Him and He is with us that Acts 10:38 is replicated in our lives:

How God anointed and consecrated Jesus of Nazareth with the [Holy] Spirit and with strength and ability and power; how He went about doing good and, in particular, curing all who were harassed and oppressed by [the power of] the devil, for God was with Him. (AMPC) 

Reference:

* John 15:4 - Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. (AMPC)