"Here's my resignation."

On this last day of this unprecedented year, I felt the need to share a thought that crossed my mind...and I can only imagine the shock some of you felt when you read the title of this post.

Keep growing

Growth is one characteristic of living organisms; and as a living organism, the church must grow. 

Stay plugged in

We are living in unprecedented times. Who would ever imagine that the whole world could be going through different dimensions of the same turmoil and uncertainty at the same time?

Everyone is in this together - with each person, family, community, city and nation trying to determine the best path(s) to take. And the church is not left out...

Pastors are wondering how to keep in close contact with their congregation members virtually. How can they ensure that the church members remain "plugged in" and connected to the church family in spite of the social distancing precaution?

As I ponder on all this, I wonder how I can also stay plugged in - as a church member and more importantly, as my Pastor's wife.

How can I support my husband during this uncertain times? As I prayed about it, the Holy Spirit reminded me that in coming up with various suggested solutions, I need to also realize that there are (many) times to be still and silent in order to gain strength for my husband
and I versus strain or even drain our strength.

So this is my prayer - which I share with you: May God inspire us all on how to stay plugged in - including how & when to identify and share ideas with our husbands versus inundate them.

The conclusion of the matter is: THIS TOO SHALL PASS...AND IT SHALL END IN PRAISE!

Thank you for all...

...you don't do

Did you just jerk and recheck if you read the topic right?

Yes you read it right. 

This topic came to mind when I saw this picture appreciating Pastor for all he/she does.

You can...

As we wrap this quarter up, I want to remind you that you can achieve what you set your heart and mind to achieve.

My book "101 Quips and Quotes" is the product of the "YOU CAN" mentality robustly supported by my husband who never gives up on me. Actually, he challenges me to do more than I am willing and (I think) able to.

As Mrs. Pastor, we are expected to "go along" fully supporting our husbands...and it can be a bumpy ride now and again. However in it all, I've learned to see the beauty and bounty of God. So it is a thoriugh blessing - one I do not take for granted - to have a husband like mine, who fully supports me including refusing to be a "crutch" because he says he believes that I can...

Back story: The fact that I have/author 3 blogs today is all because of my husband saying "You can". In fact, he planted the seed of writing a book in my heart a few years ago when he asked, "Can't you turn your blog into a book?"

Today, as it marks 1 full month since my first of many books was published, I want to thank God for blessing me with a husband who keeps saying "You can" to me. As I say in my book,

"In marriage, each spouse shines brighter as you take the time to support & "polish" each other.Do not be a "polish remover" to your spouse."

"You can" buy your copy and I'm sure it will inspire you on what you can do too:
101 Quips & Quotes…that will charge and change your life

Your marriage matters...

...much MORE than your ministry

Career or Calling?

Recently I was thinking about myself and cast my mind back to how some people react when they know my husband is a pastor. Some people say: "Oh that's why you are like that at work."

"I can't do that...

...I'm a Pastor's wife."

Last year, a dear sister recommended I do something that would change the way I look...a bit.

As I thought about it - and looked around - I noticed that a lot of Mrs Pastors were doing the same thing or other things that I wouldn't do. It then occurred to me that what I was turning down/away from doing was not due to a lack of ability - rather it was my deliberate choice.

In other words, I could do it but chose not to.

The other dimension was that the reason for choosing not to do that was not solely because I am Mrs. Pastor but more because of my personal preferences based on my upbringing.

I then wondered how many of us use (maybe even misuse/abuse) the fact that they are Pastor and/or Mrs Pastor to do or be excused from doing particular things.

1 Peter 2:16 says: "Live like free people, but don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Live as those who are serving God." (ERV)

I agree that as Pastors and Pastors' Wives, we need to be good role-models and mentors. However, we need to know why we say "Yes" or "No" to particular things otherwise we cannot truly train or guide others on how to make some of those decisions. There are things that we should do or not do - whether or not we can. We must be intentional about our choices and help others too with such decisions. Otherwise you may find that some people do what they should not under the excuse that "afterall, I'm not a Pastor."

So really, my response should have been: 

"I do not want to do that because of my personal values and preferences" 

not 

"I can't do that, because I'm a Pastor's wife."

"Ouch - that hurts"

Those were the words that crossed my mind as a response when I remembered something my mother (of blessed memory) said to and taught me. It's been almost 30 years and I still remember her very sharp advice (pun intended): "Bite your tongue." 

In fact, if you have ever mistakenly bitten your tongue when eating I'm sure you know how it truly feels - not just figuratively. Yes, ouch - it hurts.

This pertinent advice not to say what I really wanted to say but shouldn't came to mind when I was gearing to make one of those "I told you so" type comments to my husband. And yes, those comments hurt... Ask me - I know from personal experience.  

The more I thought about it, I reflected on the blessing of being married to a man who is a pastor. Actually, it is both a blessing and a burden. The good thing about the blessing-burden equation is that it is more of a blessing than a burden when we manage the burden well. Which, as usual, is where we need the Holy Spirit's help.

Psalm 68:19 says: "Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day, even the God Who is our salvation! Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! (AMPC)

As Mrs. Pastor, there are so many situations where we have to say something and many more where we may feel that we have something to say but it is better unsaid. We need the Holy Spirit to help us discern when, where, how, and what to say. We need to be wise at all times - even if the world celebrates April Fools' Day - we must never be fools.

Dear Woman in Ministry

Mrs Pastor: I got this in an email 2 years ago - to the day - from a very dear friend and PW whose birthday is today...and yes, I celebrate you my dear friend.
As usual, pictures and comments in purple font are mine.

It’s Ministry Appreciation Month - a time to pause and say thanks to those who give so much of themselves to us. Men and women like you who pour out and dig deep. The ones who encourage and bless, who lay their hands on our lives and we are better for it. 

A month doesn’t seem long enough. It seems to me that ministry appreciation should happen all year round, every single day. Because that’s how often you give. But I’m glad for an occasion that makes us pause and consider in a more intentional way what you do for us.

First, I want to say that you are brave. You are a mighty warrior disguised in lip gloss and jeans. You are a force for the Kingdom. Someone who prays and believes. Someone who tends to the wounded and lifts up the weak. Someone who speaks the truth to trembling hearts. Someone who knows that love and kindness are the strongest of weapons in this gone-mad world. You are a fighter and an overcomer and a healer. You may feel weary sometimes when the door finally closes behind you at the end of your day but I want you to remember that even then with Jesus you have won. 

You are making a difference. Some days it might be hard to see in the middle of a packed full calendar, the texts and emails and going here then there. It can be a bit of a blur sometimes, this work of ministry. But in all those places, in all those faces, you are changing the world. It’s a myth that world-changing is big and bold and loud. We see in Jesus that it is more about a hand on a shoulder, a gentle word spoken, a bit of attention given to the one everyone else might have overlooked. It happens in the ordinary and the everyday and the sometimes invisible. What you do matters more than you can know, more than you can possibly see this side of eternity.
Mrs Pastor: Isn't it great that some people notice and mention it? Better yet, is God noticing it.


You are loved. This is true not because of what you do but because you are you. You have worth not because of a position you hold or any performance you give, no matter how important or wonderful. You are treasured and valued first and always because you are the one-of-a-kind creation of a wild and creative God. He gave us such a gift when he dreamed you up. We see him in your smile, hear him in your laugh and see his image reflected in the details of who you are. You don’t need to be like anyone else. We are so glad that you are simply you.
Mrs Pastor: You must remain "free" to be you...if God wanted you to be like or even anyone else, He wouldn't have made you unique. He would have made you a replica or carbon copy and He didn't!


You really are appreciated. As you carry on with all you’re doing, I hope you hear the cheers behind you and around you and for you. Especially today.

Gratefully,

A Heart Who’s Been Touched By You


Know a woman in ministry who has impacted your life for the better? Share this article with her and let her know she is a “one-of-kind creation.” And, be sure to check out our #ReturnTheBlessing campaign for more ideas on how to bless your pastor, pastor’s wife, youth minister, Sunday school teacher, worship leader, children’s ministry coordinator, church secretary, and small group leader.

Source:

https://www.dayspring.com/articles/dear-woman-in-ministry?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20161016%20Dear%20Woman%20in%20Ministry%20Sunday%20Devo&utm_term=Most%20Engaged%20Last%2030%20Days%202/16/2016%20KEEP

Protect your spouse

Last week I decided to change purses and use one of my favourite ones. I'm not big on purses - actually, I'm a one-purse-till-strap-gives-way lady - at least I was until I met my husband.

Ok back to the post. Well, I decided to use this purse and I heard the Holy Spirit whisper:

"Protect your husband." 

It was more like a reminder because I remember the first day my husband showed me this purse and was considering it as a gift...for say a family member. The first thing that came to my mind was "Really?" To his credit, he saw it as a fun-bag. I saw it very differently and I wondered if his intentions could be misconstrued. So to avoid any doubt, I asked if I could keep the purse and then of course he said "Yes - it's your Valentine gift." I still can't help but wonder what I would have gotten if I didn't settle for this purse but that's the topic for another day. :)

I felt the need to share this because some of us just feel that we should let our spouse be. There is a place for that. Sadly some people eventually lose interest in what their spouse is doing and that is especially dangerous for Ministry Couples.

I believe that God didn't put additional eyes at the back of our heads because He expects that we would have at least one person watching our back. For children, it's their parents and for a wife, it's her husband and for a husband, it's his wife and so on...  I know that sometimes it may not seem so especially if your spouse is pointing our areas where you can/should address or improve. The bottom-line is that when you are a better person, your marriage is better too.

There are different areas where we need to protect our spouse (and family). Examples include setting the right boundaries so that neither of you is sucked in to ministry to the detriment of the family. And there are many ways we should do this - first and always in the place of prayer and then, where necessary speak out. Sometimes you may even need to fight for your spouse.

Being perfect

This piece has been years - I mean YEARS - in the making. And I can tell you that it was not because I was trying to get it post-perfect - not by any means. I was really pumped about it the first time the topic dropped in my heart and then I started second-guessing myself and wondering what people would think about me - as if it really matters.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit Who has patiently and gently guided me as I've grown and taught me how to break this down - without breaking myself down (pun intended).

A few years ago, I was struggling with not being the perfect Pastor's Wife and I was thinking about how to "justify" it - because I just wanted to be free to be ME and no one else. With the Holy Spirit's help, I've overcome that and I'll share a few quotes to help you understand where I am now.

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. ~ George Fisher

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. ~ Bill Lemley

Looking into the dictionary, Perfect means to "have all the required or desirable elements, qualities or characteristics...; absolute, complete"* Synonyms include: ideal, flawless etc. As I pondered on the definition of the word, 2 things, actually 3, became "perfectly" apparent (pun intended)

1. I am not flawless
2. I am only complete in God (Colossians 2:20)
3. I can always be a better version of myself than I am today - and that's my commitment to myself

Thinking beyond myself, I've seen people carry on as if they are perfect and heard people talk about how they are "perfectionists" and can't help but wonder if that's why some people don't want to work with us... My preference is to strive for excellence and I agree with Harriet Braiker that

"Striving for excellence motivates you; 

striving for perfection is demoralizing."

A wise unknown person said: 

"No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers."

 

This is one reason why I've decided that rather than be perfect, I will be perfectly authentic...

 

Reference:

* Google

"Don't call her that!""

How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Startled...

Yes and that's exactly how the person that the comment, or was it a command, was directed at felt. Let me tell you how this all unfolded...

"Thank you...

...for all you don't do."

Yes, as un-politically correct as that may seem to say that, if you take the time to think about it, it's a very valid reason to appreciate each Pastor's Wife.

Brother Lappidoth

A few weeks ago, Mr/Brother Lappidoth crossed my mind. I started wondering what life was like for him as a leader's spouse. I wondered if people had the same (or more expectations) of him since his wife, Deborah, was a Prophetess/Ministry Leader (actually a National leader) as we people have these days of Pastors' wives.


I really like the way the Living Bible translation puts the only verse where he is mentioned in the Bible:

Judges 4:4 - Israel’s leader at that time, the one who was responsible for bringing the people back to God, was Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth. (TLB)

From this verse, it was clear that Deborah was the "shepherd" of the people under God. So was Brother (or Pastor) Lappidoth automatically in charge of the Men's Ministry? Was he expected to (learn and) know how to sing, play an instrument and lead the choir?


As I wondered about this, I also wonder about the wonderful men who are married to female Pastors. What are the church members' expectations of them? Are there any? If there are, has anyone ever told (or dared to tell) them what they are?


I'm sure that this post is raising more questions than answers. I smile as I write this because I remember a dear sister - a Mrs Pastor - who shared how the members of the church came up with a list of things they expect her to do following a meeting they had in her absence. Oh my?!


All I can say as a Mrs Pastor, is seek, find and fulfill ONLY God's expectations for you. Personally, I have found that when I do that, they have also met people's expectations. And those expectations not met are best left unmet because I was created to please God by doing His will - not to please people.


For those of us who have various expectations of Pastors' wives, I ask that you be considerate. If you talk to some of them, you will realize that like me, all they did was "marry their best friend"...and then they became the wife of the Pastor when their husbands became a pastor.
Next time you start a list of expectations, on your own or with others, remember Bro Lappidoth.

Recommended Reading
http://thomrainer.com/2017/09/ten-unfair-expectations-pastors-wives/


Recommended viewing:
http://www.pursuegod.org/handling-expectations-insights-from-pastors-wives-1/

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For) concluded

This is the final piece of a lovely article by Kelly O’Dell Stanley. Thank you dear friend for sharing this.


4. Don’t put her on a pedestal. 
She deserves your respect, but she is flawed, just like we are. If you demand too much--or build her up too much--it is likely that she will fall. She has insecurities, and she can be hurt by your words and actions and judgments. Offer her grace if she forgets your name, or doesn’t choose your idea for a fundraiser, or picks a Bible study you don’t like, or reprimands your child, or just wears a really unflattering outfit. 


It’s hard enough for any of us to juggle our personal faith lives, the demands of family, and the responsibilities of work. Remember that she’s doing it all while everyone else watches. Be quick to offer help and slow to profess judgment, because she’s doing the best she can. She will likely do many amazing things, but if--when--she falls short, she needs your love and acceptance.


5. Let her have close friends. 
She needs a safe place to vent, an outlet where she can laugh and be silly or sit and weep over her burdens. People within the church may be jealous of her close friendships, but she needs time to be herself--without the title or responsibilities of her position. Don’t assume that she’s telling her friends your secrets; trust her integrity. But be glad for her when she can find time to have fun, and don’t criticize her if she’s not always available. 


If you’re one of her close friends, offer her a listening ear and lots of laughter. She may not want advice; she just needs a friend to share her wild and crazy, difficult and demanding, absurd and wonderful life with. Pray for her and appreciate her, but don’t get possessive. Chances are, she is in control of very little of her time, so say yes when she finds a few minutes to offer you.


Pray with me? 
Dear Lord, it is an honor and a privilege to serve You. But some roles, like that of a pastor and his wife, come with weighty expectations. Help me not to place unreasonable expectations on those who serve You, and replace my judgment and criticism with passionate prayer and generosity of spirit.


Thank You for the dedication of my pastor’s wife. Thank You for the woman she is--the good and bad, the strong and the weak. Show me how to love her just as she is, and teach me to appreciate the particular ways You have designed her to fulfill it. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
 
Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home.
Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com
Publication date: January 26, 2017

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For) cont'd

The first part of this lovey and loving piece by Kelly O’Dell Stanley was shared last week. 1. Remember that each woman is different, and that there are many ways to successfully serve God and the Church as the wife of a pastor.  Give her the gift of allowing her to be exactly who she is, without pretense. If she’s musical, let her sing. If she’s not, don’t force her. If she’s an introvert, don’t throw her in front of huge crowds unexpectedly, and if she’s an extrovert, don’t forbid her to reach out to people. She may be similar to the last pastor’s wife--or the polar opposite. But that’s okay because God gave us all different gifts and personalities. Let her be the woman God made her to be, and don’t try to force her into your image of what that should look like. 2. She needs worship time as much as anyone. Let her have it.  Don’t assault her with problems and petty complaints when she walks in the church doors, and unless it’s urgent, don’t pull her out of the church service to tell her details of your latest drama. If you can, give her time to come before God on her own. To let God renew and refresh her, and to allow her to unburden herself of the week’s worries.  She carries more than you probably realize--so many people’s secrets and fears and ugly realities--and she knows that God is the only One who can equip her to serve with a pure heart. Give her this time to worship God in whatever way she chooses--whether expressively or quietly, whether from the front of the stage or in the back row of the pews. Her personal faith is immensely important, and just like the rest of us, she has to devote herself to finding intimacy with God--in church and at home. 3. Love her family.  Just as she doesn’t need the weight of unreasonable expectations, neither does her family. Her kids will make mistakes. They might act out or make poor decisions at times, and she and her husband might have struggles in their own relationship or extended families. This is just the way life is, not a reflection of your pastor’s ministry or walk with God. When these things happen, embrace her family just as they are, and encourage them like you would anyone else.  On the flip side, don’t make her feel guilty when things are going smoothly--when they receive financial blessings, or have a happy marriage, or their kids excel. Life is a series of ups and downs, and God is present in both the trials and the triumphs. Their blessings don’t diminish what God has for you, nor is God’s will in their lives better or more valuable than what He will do in yours.  However, in order to have a good family life--and in order to have the strength to do their jobs well--they need time together. Alone. Make sure to keep their vacation time uninterrupted, and encourage your pastor and his wife to do things together, just the two of them. She needs his attention, too.   Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home. Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com Publication date: January 26, 2017

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For)

I received this lovely piece from a very dear friend and Mrs Pastor. You can see so much love in this... Do you ever feel like you are saddled with the weight of other people’s expectations on top of your own burdens? I do. But imagine what it would be like to have everyone watching you--seeking your advice but also witnessing your failures. Needing your family’s help but judging their every move. Loving you but expecting more than you have to offer. I am not a pastor’s wife, although in my own ministry, as an author, I’ve seen something similar. But today I’m talking to you as a close friend of the wife of a pastor, sharing some of the insights I’ve had from observing and talking to her and others in her position. Most pastors’ wives I know are widely loved by their churches and treated with kindness and good intentions, but that role may be paired with unreasonable expectations, quick judgment, and a heavy burden to carry. Think about it. If the pastor’s wife gets involved in every situation people bring to her, she’s controlling. If she tries to correct someone, she’s abrasive. If she doesn’t show her insecurities, we think she’s “all that” and too good for us, and if she lets us see her flaws and mistakes, we judge her for not being holy enough. If she guards time with her family, she may be seen as selfish and unavailable, and if she doesn’t, she’s judged for her wifely and motherly failures. And yet the pastors’ wives I’ve known tend to be deeply spiritual--this is not just their husband’s faith, but their own source of strength. They work hard, often behind the scenes without the credit and acclaim given to their husbands, and have the added responsibility of being his sounding board and helper. They open up their homes and their families to the church (and many outside of the church)--as well as to our intense scrutiny.  So what can we do to help them? To put actions behind our words of appreciation? To show our love and respect? Your pastor’s wife might never ask for these things, yet I believe giving them to her will enable her to serve with joy and gladness. To be continued... Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home. Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com Publication date: January 26, 2017

Public Service Announcement!

Those were the 3 words that dropped in my heart when I saw this picture my dear friend and fellow Mrs Pastor - to another Pastor of course - sent to me.

 

I know from personal experience how easy it is to get caught up in the "Work of the Lord" and cut out spending time with the Lord of the Work and the Word of the Lord of the Work.

Today is the 37th day of this year - 10% of the year is already gone and a good time for a "Pulse-check". The question I have for myself and I'm generously extending to you is "How much time have you (i.e. me) spent in the Work of the Lord vs. with the Lord of the Work?"

A lot of times, we (at least I) feel a pull to be on the "go" doing the work of the Lord - in response to what I call a "Public Service Announcement" whereas maybe the Holy Spirit is simply tugging at my heart to slow down and spend more time with Him. The fact of the matter is if we want to do more for God we need to spend more time with Him. Without Him, we can do nothing* and it is only when we are with Him and He is with us that Acts 10:38 is replicated in our lives:

How God anointed and consecrated Jesus of Nazareth with the [Holy] Spirit and with strength and ability and power; how He went about doing good and, in particular, curing all who were harassed and oppressed by [the power of] the devil, for God was with Him. (AMPC) 

Reference:

* John 15:4 - Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. (AMPC)

"Ministry Mis-spake"

Now and again I have to catch myself so I don't make a "mistake" or shall I say "Ministry Mis-spake". Several times last year I thinking about how close I was to "saying it as it is" - e.g. asking people who may not be "behaving" the way I/others expect: "What's wrong with you?"


I'll be surprised if I'm the only Mrs Pastor that feels that way...I know I'm not. I know because I shared my internal dilemma with one or 2 of my Mrs Pastor friends and they felt similar.


I know that there is a time to say such things - as a Reality Check for the individual - or maybe for myself and my expectations however, I also know that I must choose my words very carefully so I don't misspeak and end up with a "Ministry mis-spake". As we know, words have the power of life and death and once spoken, they are spoken. As far as I know, the only thing better than apologizing for saying the wrong thing, is not saying the wrong thing at all.


While still "speaking" about speaking (pun intended), another thing that can trap any Mrs Pastor is when people - including current, past or even non-members of the church - come to talk to you about someone else. Rather than listen and give sound Spiritual advice or shut down the "conversip" (my coinage of a conversation intertwined with gossip), she contributes to the conversation/conversip and even spreads it. We must be really careful that we are never a source or "fuel"; Proverbs 26:20 reminds us that:

Where there is no fuel a fire goes out; 

where there is no gossip arguments come to an end. (CEV)

I guess that the reason why God wanted me to share this is that as women we are really susceptible to "speaking." This is not to say that our husbands are not but I'm sure you know that Pastors have more "latitude" than Mrs Pastors when they say things; hence God wants us to avoid "Ministry mis-spakes" for our own good - and of course for the good of others.
Whatever you say and whenever you speak "Let your conversation be gracious as well as sensible, for then you will have the right answer for everyone." (Colossians 4:6 - LB)