"Here's my resignation."

On this last day of this unprecedented year, I felt the need to share a thought that crossed my mind...and I can only imagine the shock some of you felt when you read the title of this post.

Really?

When I see the way some pastors and/or even their wives carry on my only comment is "Really?!"

Thank you for all...

...you don't do

Did you just jerk and recheck if you read the topic right?

Yes you read it right. 

This topic came to mind when I saw this picture appreciating Pastor for all he/she does.

You can...

As we wrap this quarter up, I want to remind you that you can achieve what you set your heart and mind to achieve.

My book "101 Quips and Quotes" is the product of the "YOU CAN" mentality robustly supported by my husband who never gives up on me. Actually, he challenges me to do more than I am willing and (I think) able to.

As Mrs. Pastor, we are expected to "go along" fully supporting our husbands...and it can be a bumpy ride now and again. However in it all, I've learned to see the beauty and bounty of God. So it is a thoriugh blessing - one I do not take for granted - to have a husband like mine, who fully supports me including refusing to be a "crutch" because he says he believes that I can...

Back story: The fact that I have/author 3 blogs today is all because of my husband saying "You can". In fact, he planted the seed of writing a book in my heart a few years ago when he asked, "Can't you turn your blog into a book?"

Today, as it marks 1 full month since my first of many books was published, I want to thank God for blessing me with a husband who keeps saying "You can" to me. As I say in my book,

"In marriage, each spouse shines brighter as you take the time to support & "polish" each other.Do not be a "polish remover" to your spouse."

"You can" buy your copy and I'm sure it will inspire you on what you can do too:
101 Quips & Quotes…that will charge and change your life

Career or Calling?

Recently I was thinking about myself and cast my mind back to how some people react when they know my husband is a pastor. Some people say: "Oh that's why you are like that at work."

"I can't do that...

...I'm a Pastor's wife."

Last year, a dear sister recommended I do something that would change the way I look...a bit.

As I thought about it - and looked around - I noticed that a lot of Mrs Pastors were doing the same thing or other things that I wouldn't do. It then occurred to me that what I was turning down/away from doing was not due to a lack of ability - rather it was my deliberate choice.

In other words, I could do it but chose not to.

The other dimension was that the reason for choosing not to do that was not solely because I am Mrs. Pastor but more because of my personal preferences based on my upbringing.

I then wondered how many of us use (maybe even misuse/abuse) the fact that they are Pastor and/or Mrs Pastor to do or be excused from doing particular things.

1 Peter 2:16 says: "Live like free people, but don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do evil. Live as those who are serving God." (ERV)

I agree that as Pastors and Pastors' Wives, we need to be good role-models and mentors. However, we need to know why we say "Yes" or "No" to particular things otherwise we cannot truly train or guide others on how to make some of those decisions. There are things that we should do or not do - whether or not we can. We must be intentional about our choices and help others too with such decisions. Otherwise you may find that some people do what they should not under the excuse that "afterall, I'm not a Pastor."

So really, my response should have been: 

"I do not want to do that because of my personal values and preferences" 

not 

"I can't do that, because I'm a Pastor's wife."

"Ouch - that hurts"

Those were the words that crossed my mind as a response when I remembered something my mother (of blessed memory) said to and taught me. It's been almost 30 years and I still remember her very sharp advice (pun intended): "Bite your tongue." 

In fact, if you have ever mistakenly bitten your tongue when eating I'm sure you know how it truly feels - not just figuratively. Yes, ouch - it hurts.

This pertinent advice not to say what I really wanted to say but shouldn't came to mind when I was gearing to make one of those "I told you so" type comments to my husband. And yes, those comments hurt... Ask me - I know from personal experience.  

The more I thought about it, I reflected on the blessing of being married to a man who is a pastor. Actually, it is both a blessing and a burden. The good thing about the blessing-burden equation is that it is more of a blessing than a burden when we manage the burden well. Which, as usual, is where we need the Holy Spirit's help.

Psalm 68:19 says: "Blessed be the Lord, Who bears our burdens and carries us day by day, even the God Who is our salvation! Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! (AMPC)

As Mrs. Pastor, there are so many situations where we have to say something and many more where we may feel that we have something to say but it is better unsaid. We need the Holy Spirit to help us discern when, where, how, and what to say. We need to be wise at all times - even if the world celebrates April Fools' Day - we must never be fools.

Dear Woman in Ministry

Mrs Pastor: I got this in an email 2 years ago - to the day - from a very dear friend and PW whose birthday is today...and yes, I celebrate you my dear friend.
As usual, pictures and comments in purple font are mine.

It’s Ministry Appreciation Month - a time to pause and say thanks to those who give so much of themselves to us. Men and women like you who pour out and dig deep. The ones who encourage and bless, who lay their hands on our lives and we are better for it. 

A month doesn’t seem long enough. It seems to me that ministry appreciation should happen all year round, every single day. Because that’s how often you give. But I’m glad for an occasion that makes us pause and consider in a more intentional way what you do for us.

First, I want to say that you are brave. You are a mighty warrior disguised in lip gloss and jeans. You are a force for the Kingdom. Someone who prays and believes. Someone who tends to the wounded and lifts up the weak. Someone who speaks the truth to trembling hearts. Someone who knows that love and kindness are the strongest of weapons in this gone-mad world. You are a fighter and an overcomer and a healer. You may feel weary sometimes when the door finally closes behind you at the end of your day but I want you to remember that even then with Jesus you have won. 

You are making a difference. Some days it might be hard to see in the middle of a packed full calendar, the texts and emails and going here then there. It can be a bit of a blur sometimes, this work of ministry. But in all those places, in all those faces, you are changing the world. It’s a myth that world-changing is big and bold and loud. We see in Jesus that it is more about a hand on a shoulder, a gentle word spoken, a bit of attention given to the one everyone else might have overlooked. It happens in the ordinary and the everyday and the sometimes invisible. What you do matters more than you can know, more than you can possibly see this side of eternity.
Mrs Pastor: Isn't it great that some people notice and mention it? Better yet, is God noticing it.


You are loved. This is true not because of what you do but because you are you. You have worth not because of a position you hold or any performance you give, no matter how important or wonderful. You are treasured and valued first and always because you are the one-of-a-kind creation of a wild and creative God. He gave us such a gift when he dreamed you up. We see him in your smile, hear him in your laugh and see his image reflected in the details of who you are. You don’t need to be like anyone else. We are so glad that you are simply you.
Mrs Pastor: You must remain "free" to be you...if God wanted you to be like or even anyone else, He wouldn't have made you unique. He would have made you a replica or carbon copy and He didn't!


You really are appreciated. As you carry on with all you’re doing, I hope you hear the cheers behind you and around you and for you. Especially today.

Gratefully,

A Heart Who’s Been Touched By You


Know a woman in ministry who has impacted your life for the better? Share this article with her and let her know she is a “one-of-kind creation.” And, be sure to check out our #ReturnTheBlessing campaign for more ideas on how to bless your pastor, pastor’s wife, youth minister, Sunday school teacher, worship leader, children’s ministry coordinator, church secretary, and small group leader.

Source:

https://www.dayspring.com/articles/dear-woman-in-ministry?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20161016%20Dear%20Woman%20in%20Ministry%20Sunday%20Devo&utm_term=Most%20Engaged%20Last%2030%20Days%202/16/2016%20KEEP

Protect your spouse

Last week I decided to change purses and use one of my favourite ones. I'm not big on purses - actually, I'm a one-purse-till-strap-gives-way lady - at least I was until I met my husband.

Ok back to the post. Well, I decided to use this purse and I heard the Holy Spirit whisper:

"Protect your husband." 

It was more like a reminder because I remember the first day my husband showed me this purse and was considering it as a gift...for say a family member. The first thing that came to my mind was "Really?" To his credit, he saw it as a fun-bag. I saw it very differently and I wondered if his intentions could be misconstrued. So to avoid any doubt, I asked if I could keep the purse and then of course he said "Yes - it's your Valentine gift." I still can't help but wonder what I would have gotten if I didn't settle for this purse but that's the topic for another day. :)

I felt the need to share this because some of us just feel that we should let our spouse be. There is a place for that. Sadly some people eventually lose interest in what their spouse is doing and that is especially dangerous for Ministry Couples.

I believe that God didn't put additional eyes at the back of our heads because He expects that we would have at least one person watching our back. For children, it's their parents and for a wife, it's her husband and for a husband, it's his wife and so on...  I know that sometimes it may not seem so especially if your spouse is pointing our areas where you can/should address or improve. The bottom-line is that when you are a better person, your marriage is better too.

There are different areas where we need to protect our spouse (and family). Examples include setting the right boundaries so that neither of you is sucked in to ministry to the detriment of the family. And there are many ways we should do this - first and always in the place of prayer and then, where necessary speak out. Sometimes you may even need to fight for your spouse.

Don't be too interested in quantity...

I know that some people will shake their heads or even want to wag their finger at me for this post...and as usual, I'm fine with that. This is one of my #JustSaying posts.

It continues to sadden me when I see how much the "number of members" i.e. quantity is used as a guage for success in ministry. The quality of the members in a church is definitely more important and valuable to any Pastor.  I'm not saying that churches should not grow - far from it. Churches have to grow in order to depopulate the kingdom of the devil. 

However, the way I see it, if it's all or only about quantity i.e. numbers, you may find that the church lumbers. The church may even slumber because some people may expect that someone else will do what anyone can do only to find out that no one is doing it because everyone is waiting for someone else to do it. 

On the flip side, when the focus is quality, the church is more nimble and impactful because each member knows and owns their stake in the church. In fact, if there is only one thing that we can learn from Judges 7, it is that numbers are not too critical to God. In verse 2, the Lord said to Gideon:

"You have too many people on your side. If I were to hand Midian over to them, the Israelites might claim credit for themselves rather than for me, thinking, We saved ourselves." (CEB)

A retweet by my husband put it slightly differently:

It’s not about the SIZE of your circle, it’s about the LOYALTY that’s in it! 

- Rick Godwin @ricklgodwin

So please be more interested and invest more in the quality of the members of the church vs. the quantity.

Just Fix Yourself

2 months ago, I read this Devotional* piece by Chris and Liz Sarno of Relevant Church. At the risk of sounding punny and funny, this is such a relevant piece for every Ministry couple that I had to share it - any comments in green font and pictures are mine:

But why?

As you already know, I enjoy people-watching now and again.

A few weeks ago, I was walking between buildings and noticed a lady pulling down her skirt. The only 2 words that popped in my head were:

"But why?"

Although I like pictures, I will not add a picture here so no one misconstrues this as approval.

Back to the topic...

Being perfect

This piece has been years - I mean YEARS - in the making. And I can tell you that it was not because I was trying to get it post-perfect - not by any means. I was really pumped about it the first time the topic dropped in my heart and then I started second-guessing myself and wondering what people would think about me - as if it really matters.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit Who has patiently and gently guided me as I've grown and taught me how to break this down - without breaking myself down (pun intended).

A few years ago, I was struggling with not being the perfect Pastor's Wife and I was thinking about how to "justify" it - because I just wanted to be free to be ME and no one else. With the Holy Spirit's help, I've overcome that and I'll share a few quotes to help you understand where I am now.

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. ~ George Fisher

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick. ~ Bill Lemley

Looking into the dictionary, Perfect means to "have all the required or desirable elements, qualities or characteristics...; absolute, complete"* Synonyms include: ideal, flawless etc. As I pondered on the definition of the word, 2 things, actually 3, became "perfectly" apparent (pun intended)

1. I am not flawless
2. I am only complete in God (Colossians 2:20)
3. I can always be a better version of myself than I am today - and that's my commitment to myself

Thinking beyond myself, I've seen people carry on as if they are perfect and heard people talk about how they are "perfectionists" and can't help but wonder if that's why some people don't want to work with us... My preference is to strive for excellence and I agree with Harriet Braiker that

"Striving for excellence motivates you; 

striving for perfection is demoralizing."

A wise unknown person said: 

"No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers."

 

This is one reason why I've decided that rather than be perfect, I will be perfectly authentic...

 

Reference:

* Google

"Don't call her that!""

How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Startled...

Yes and that's exactly how the person that the comment, or was it a command, was directed at felt. Let me tell you how this all unfolded...

"I do"

On this day, almost 2 decades ago, I said my first formal "I do" to my One and Only. 2 really short words that have very long-term, actually eternal, implications. As I look back with a heart filled with gratitude to God Who alone has kept us together, indeed, it has been quite the journey with many more "I dos" and a couple "I don'ts" as appropriate.

"Thank you...

...for all you don't do."

Yes, as un-politically correct as that may seem to say that, if you take the time to think about it, it's a very valid reason to appreciate each Pastor's Wife.

Brother Lappidoth

A few weeks ago, Mr/Brother Lappidoth crossed my mind. I started wondering what life was like for him as a leader's spouse. I wondered if people had the same (or more expectations) of him since his wife, Deborah, was a Prophetess/Ministry Leader (actually a National leader) as we people have these days of Pastors' wives.


I really like the way the Living Bible translation puts the only verse where he is mentioned in the Bible:

Judges 4:4 - Israel’s leader at that time, the one who was responsible for bringing the people back to God, was Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth. (TLB)

From this verse, it was clear that Deborah was the "shepherd" of the people under God. So was Brother (or Pastor) Lappidoth automatically in charge of the Men's Ministry? Was he expected to (learn and) know how to sing, play an instrument and lead the choir?


As I wondered about this, I also wonder about the wonderful men who are married to female Pastors. What are the church members' expectations of them? Are there any? If there are, has anyone ever told (or dared to tell) them what they are?


I'm sure that this post is raising more questions than answers. I smile as I write this because I remember a dear sister - a Mrs Pastor - who shared how the members of the church came up with a list of things they expect her to do following a meeting they had in her absence. Oh my?!


All I can say as a Mrs Pastor, is seek, find and fulfill ONLY God's expectations for you. Personally, I have found that when I do that, they have also met people's expectations. And those expectations not met are best left unmet because I was created to please God by doing His will - not to please people.


For those of us who have various expectations of Pastors' wives, I ask that you be considerate. If you talk to some of them, you will realize that like me, all they did was "marry their best friend"...and then they became the wife of the Pastor when their husbands became a pastor.
Next time you start a list of expectations, on your own or with others, remember Bro Lappidoth.

Recommended Reading
http://thomrainer.com/2017/09/ten-unfair-expectations-pastors-wives/


Recommended viewing:
http://www.pursuegod.org/handling-expectations-insights-from-pastors-wives-1/

It's a 2-way street

A few weeks ago, I snapped at my husband over the phone. As I meditated on the incident, it was obvious that it though it wasn't a "TA" situation, it was an "SA" one. As I pondered, the Holy Spirit kindly asked/ reminded me of 3 things - in this order:

1. He asked me if my outburst aligned with these verses that I constantly challenge myself to live up to: Proverbs 31:11-12 - ¹¹ Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. ¹² She brings him good, not harm,  all the days of her life. (NLT)
2. Did I just "touch" (actually "hurt")  the Lord's Anointed knowing that God clearly says Psalm 105:15: “Do not touch my anointed ones, or harm my prophets.”*** Oh my! how could I have done that?! Now it was no longer about how I felt about my self-set standard (see #1 above), it was now about whether or not I was obeying God's Word.
3. While I was scolding myself, He then said: "You know, you are also God's anointed one... so you should not be "hurt" either." Awww...how sweet. I was happy to hear that but before I started gloating, He reminded me that this still did not justify my outburst. 

So essentially, what I learned was:

• Love and respect in marriage is a 2-way street - that must be why we have Ephesians 5:21**** in the exact location prior to the list of a husband's responsibilities to his wife and vice-versa.
• The fact that it is a 2-way street does not mean that you need to wait for traffic on the other "street" before you make progress on your side of the street.
• In marriage, you need more than love for each other to stay in love and more importantly married. You need God - Who is Love - as the 3rd cord****** to keep you and your spouse intact. It's also God that gives us the grace and humility to apologize when you are wrong...as I was.

  

  
  

I'm sure you know that there's a lot more to this post...

Well, I encourage you not to bother about what I've not said and rather look into your marriage and see how you can make sure your side of the "street"  honors God and brings pleasure to your spouse. I'm off to maintain my side of the "street"...

References:

*Transferred Aggression

** Suppressed Annoyance

*** Christian Standard Bible (CSB)

****Psalm 105:15 - “Do not touch my chosen people, and do not hurt my prophets.” (NLT)

*****Ephesians 5:21 - Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. (MSG)

******Ecclesiastes 4:12 - An enemy might be able to defeat one person, but two people can stand back-to-back to defend each other. And three people are even stronger. They are like a rope that has three parts wrapped together—it is very hard to break. (ERV)

Get ready...

...for Pastor Appreciation Month

Last year when writing about Pastor (& Pastor's Wife) Appreciation Month, I came across this article & felt that it would be great to help us all get ready for the month ahead. Pictures mine.

What NOT to Get Your Pastor for Pastor Appreciation Month* by Eric Geiger

October is fast approaching, which means so is “Pastor Appreciation Month.” Very few folks celebrate Pastor Appreciation Month, and I am not pushing for it to become a more prominent holiday on our calendars. ...Pastors should be appreciated all the time, and not just one month a year. Pray for your pastors, pay them well, and give them time and space to love and lead their families.

At the same time, I am grateful for the few folks in every church who remember Pastor Appreciation Month, likely because the Christian radio station they listen to reminds them. Because I am no longer a “pastor” as my full-time job, I feel some freedom to speak a bit bluntly about some of the gifts our pastors, your pastors, may be in jeopardy of receiving this year. If you have given your pastor some of these gifts before, don’t feel bad. There is no condemnation here. Only grace. And your pastor really did know you cared, was honored you remembered him, and likely thought, “It is the thought that counts.” But I want to be helpful and encourage you NOT to get your pastor the following this year:

 

“Praying hands”

 

Hopefully he seeks the Lord for the joy of knowing God, for himself and his family, and for the church. But he doesn’t need another set of “praying hands.”

 

A leadership/church book you want him to read

 

If you hand your pastor a book with these instructions, “I really think YOU need to read this book. Please let me know your thoughts,” your pastor will likely not enjoy the book. Your pastor will likely wonder the entire time what deficiency you think he has in his leadership/ministry that he must read about in the book. While he may benefit from the book, it surely won’t be a relaxing read that feels like “appreciation.”

A tie

 

I know this sounds cruel, but when he opens the box, he will be thinking, “How many times do I need to wear this tie so it looks like I am grateful?” This is especially true if the tie has Christian fish on it. Or a decorated Christmas tree.
 

A Bible

He already has one. If not, you need another church.

 

A pair of tickets to a scrub matchup

Many pastors like going to games, but if you are just looking for a charitable way to offload the tickets you don’t want to the worst game on the schedule, please don’t think of your pastor first.

 

A card with nothing in it

The workman is worthy of at least a Starbucks gift card.

If your shopping list has been destroyed and you are asking yourself, “What should I get my pastor?” First, begin with this list**. And if you still feel compelled to get a gift, I suggest a gift certificate to a great restaurant, a gift card for some books, or a gift card for a sporting event or play (depending on the taste of your pastor). A gift card allows your pastor to choose the books or choose the night to spend time with his wife. Include an encouraging note and you are golden.

 

Save the “praying hands” for your uncle and the scrub match tickets for StubHub.

 

References:

* Source: https://ericgeiger.com/2014/09/get-pastor-pastor-appreciation-month/

** Mrs Pastor: I'll share this list next week

5 Things Your Pastor’s Wife Needs (But Doesn’t Know How to Ask For) concluded

This is the final piece of a lovely article by Kelly O’Dell Stanley. Thank you dear friend for sharing this.


4. Don’t put her on a pedestal. 
She deserves your respect, but she is flawed, just like we are. If you demand too much--or build her up too much--it is likely that she will fall. She has insecurities, and she can be hurt by your words and actions and judgments. Offer her grace if she forgets your name, or doesn’t choose your idea for a fundraiser, or picks a Bible study you don’t like, or reprimands your child, or just wears a really unflattering outfit. 


It’s hard enough for any of us to juggle our personal faith lives, the demands of family, and the responsibilities of work. Remember that she’s doing it all while everyone else watches. Be quick to offer help and slow to profess judgment, because she’s doing the best she can. She will likely do many amazing things, but if--when--she falls short, she needs your love and acceptance.


5. Let her have close friends. 
She needs a safe place to vent, an outlet where she can laugh and be silly or sit and weep over her burdens. People within the church may be jealous of her close friendships, but she needs time to be herself--without the title or responsibilities of her position. Don’t assume that she’s telling her friends your secrets; trust her integrity. But be glad for her when she can find time to have fun, and don’t criticize her if she’s not always available. 


If you’re one of her close friends, offer her a listening ear and lots of laughter. She may not want advice; she just needs a friend to share her wild and crazy, difficult and demanding, absurd and wonderful life with. Pray for her and appreciate her, but don’t get possessive. Chances are, she is in control of very little of her time, so say yes when she finds a few minutes to offer you.


Pray with me? 
Dear Lord, it is an honor and a privilege to serve You. But some roles, like that of a pastor and his wife, come with weighty expectations. Help me not to place unreasonable expectations on those who serve You, and replace my judgment and criticism with passionate prayer and generosity of spirit.


Thank You for the dedication of my pastor’s wife. Thank You for the woman she is--the good and bad, the strong and the weak. Show me how to love her just as she is, and teach me to appreciate the particular ways You have designed her to fulfill it. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
 
Kelly O’Dell Stanley is the author of Praying Upside Down and Designed to Pray. A graphic designer who writes (or is it a writer who designs?), she's also a redhead who’s pretty good at controlling her temper, a believer in doing everything to excess, and a professional wrestler of doubt and faith. She blogs at kellyostanley.com and calls small-town Indiana her home.
Photo courtesy: Thinkstockphotos.com
Publication date: January 26, 2017