Happy Mother's Day

Next Sunday will be the 2nd Mother's Day...the first one was on March 30th.

I believe this is a day that we share with Mothers - we have spiritual labour pains as we travail and travel alongside our husbands in ministry. I found this poem - which is not just apt but will also be a good segue to a future piece: "By his side?" which I'm still piecing together.

The Pastor’s Wife

(by Donna Golden, Georgia, USA)

We often hear of Hero(e)s

On the news at night

How someone went into a fire

To save someone else’s life

But, there’s another Hero

That we never hear about

Thou(gh) her love and dedication

Are never in a doubt

Often took (taken) for granted

Never glorified

Still she keeps on going

For the person by her side

She stands beside him everyday

No matter what is thrown their way

For he was called from above

To spread the message of GODS’ LOVE

And just as he was called

She was hand-picked too

For it takes someone special

To do what she must do

And thou(gh) he may get the glory

And he may get the fame

She will stand beside him with love

And help him just the same

She is the person he turns to

When he needs a friend

She will always be there

To the glorious end.

I would like to take this moment 

to introduce to you  a LOVELY unsung Hero

for whom GOD hand-picked to spend her life 

as The Pastor's WIFE.

My dear Mrs Pastor,
I salute and celebrate you this Mother's Day and always. Celebrate yourself too.

With much love,

Your fellow Mrs Pastor

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (5)

This is the last post in this series - se let's focus on ourselves specifically:

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (4)

This week, I just want to focus on “External affairs” - everybody else & how you interact with them.  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Avoid the Comparison Trap and Keep Juggling

We all do it, whatever our walk in life. Our husbands do it too – but that’s another story. I remember when I was a new pastor’s wife, we spent some time with a seasoned pastoral couple – and I felt so inadequate. I was a young Mum with two very young children, we had moved from N. Ireland to Switzerland to pastor an international church – and this was our first church. The other pastor’s wife had years of experience behind her, her children were much older and she seemed to be involved in so many ministries at her church. When I (enviously) asked her what all she was doing, she told me. But then (wisely and sensitively) she added: ‘You are at a different stage. You have young children at home. All that will come later for you.’ I was thankful for that perspective. Mrs P: The interesting thing is that there's no reason to "rush" because there will always be Ministry matters to deal with. Conversely, there are some "Mummy matters" that must be attended to at a particular time in the life of our child(ren).

Years later, I was indeed involved in several different ministries in church. But what I have found is that, particularly as women, we are juggling several balls in the air at once. Those balls change so quickly from one season of life to another that we have to constantly reassess which balls we need to keep in the air and which balls we can drop. Mrs P: In deciding which ball to drop, realize that something that may be a rubber ball to someone would be a glass ball to you. This is another reason to be wise and not compare yourself to anyone else (see 2 Cor 10:12)

Maintain Friendships outside the Church

You will need a good friend or two to share things with – and experience has taught me that sometimes it is possible to have one or two good friends within the church and sometimes it isn’t. Through the years we have served in ministry, I have been truly blessed to have had one or two good friends within the church, friends I could share with and pray with regularly. (But if you do have special friends within the church, it is best to refrain from making those friendships obvious within the church.) However, sometimes things can become complicated if there are problems within the church so it may be prudent to maintain one or two good friendships outside as well. Then these are safe places where you can share without the waters being muddied by inter-personal loyalties. These are friends you can pray with – regularly – and support one another when the going gets tough. It also helps you gain perspective when you can seek advice from someone who is not part of your own church. Mrs P: I shared how God has blessed me with the opportunity to "pray openly"** lf you don't already have someone you can "pray openly" with, believe me when I say you need someone who wears "similar" shoes as you do. Seek a fellow Mrs. Pastor to share and pray with.  

References:

* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (3)

This week, I just want to focus on 1 “Don't" and 1 "Do."  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Don’t Respond to Every Request for Help

That doesn’t sound very spiritual, I know, but somehow we begin to think that we are there to help out wherever there is someone in need. Whether that’s a marriage on the rocks, a child who needs babysat, or someone who needs their blocked sink fixed – we can’t possibly respond to all the needs of a congregation and stay sane. I remember early on in our time at one church, I sat down in church for a Sunday service and the lady in front turned round and said, ‘Pauline, the sun is coming through the windows and I can’t see the pulpit’. What was I meant to do?!!!

That is a very trivial example – and I did respond to it. I wish I had not taken it on myself to respond to that request, as well as some others. Why do we think we have to? Who do others think we have to? What is our job description anyway? We haven’t got one! So, early on in your ministry with your husband, try to work out what God has gifted you to do – and get on with doing it. Then you need to learn to graciously decline all the other job offers. If all else fails, point the person in the direction of the nearest deacon or elder. Mrs P: Remember the story of the man, his son and donkey? Well, in listening to others and acting on everything they said cost him a lot. Be led my the Spirit of God not the "spitting" of man.

Develop a Thick Skin

Some of us are born with thick skins – others of us have to learn to develop one. I am a sensitive soul and it has taken me a long time to learn to take criticism. But in this calling your husband will constantly be on the receiving end of criticism – and you will come in for your fair share too. Some will be obvious and some will be veiled, from what you wear to church, to how you dress your kids, to how you spend your money.

By the very nature of the job, some church members feel they have the right to point out everything they don’t like – to your husband and about your husband. If you are like me, you would rather hear criticism about yourself than about your husband. So swallow hard, withdraw those claws that are about to pounce, and take some time. It’s always good to reflect on what grain of truth there may be in any criticism and deal with it before dealing with the rest. Mrs P: This is something we should take to heart. Thick skin is not meanness it's about thinking about the meaning of things you hear - there may be something beneath the surface but be careful on what you let get under your skin. I shared an experience of a time I wanted to so defend myself when someone lied about me - worse still, she did it in front of me.  It's not any better if it was behind my back though. My take-away from that experience was to not expend time trying to defend myself - time will tell - and it did. Thank God that He's our Defender - another "D." 

References:

http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (2)

This week, I'll focus on “Internal affairs” – yes, your family.  My comments are in purple font.

Support your Husband

That should be pretty obvious – but somehow it can be lost amidst the flurry of activities, family commitments, church events etc. If you are new to the whole thing and trying to carve out a niche for yourself, you can easily forget that actually your primary role in this ‘job’ is to support your husband. You are, after all ‘the pastor’s wife’. I remember a good friend in one of the churches we served saying to me that in all of the things I did and for all the ministries I was involved in, I could be replaced – but no one else could be the pastor’s wife. You have a unique role there and, although it may not be popular today when we as women are encouraged to ‘find ourselves’, part of your role is to support your husband in the calling which God has given him. There will be things which he can’t share with anyone else; there will be days when he wants to give up; there will be nights when he can’t sleep. Who else is he going to share those things with? Take that calling seriously – and be there for him at those times when he is at his most vulnerable. It is a tremendous privilege. Mrs P: Without him, you wouldn't be Mrs Pastor...and no one else can be his wife. Whatever you do, complement don't compete with him. A compliment now and again helps.
 

Protect your Children

Our children have a tremendous privilege growing up in pastoral families. They can get to see church as God intended it. They may see God work in amazing ways. They experience miracles firsthand. They receive unexpected gifts, maybe even wonderful vacations. Their Dad may be free to attend sports events or other activities during the working day because his time is more flexible than other Dads’ time.

But they also see church as we fallen human beings can make it. They know the toll it takes. They see their weary parents. They know the times when their Dad isn’t available because there’s a crisis going on. They hear criticism too.

So make sure they are aware of all the positive aspects of being a Pastor’s kid – and guard them when you can from the negative side, whether that is pressure from others or criticism of their Dad. Try to make sure they don’t overhear conversations they would be better not hearing. And release them from pressure which comes from others. Mrs P: A few weeks ago, I shared a very thought-provoking and hopefully an action-demanding, piece on pitfalls to avoid.**

Guard your Family Time

Emergencies….now there’s a problem. What exactly constitutes an emergency? The trouble is that everyone thinks their problem is an emergency. Whether it’s little Johnny who has fallen at school, his Mum who has gone into labour at home, or his granny who is in hospital for her knee operation – they all need your husband and they need him now. We are all the same when we’re in need – we want help and we want it now. But very few problems are emergencies. Even that distressing telephone call when the young woman assures you that her marriage is about to break up if your husband doesn’t come now – even that is not an emergency. It has taken 10 years to get to that point and if they have to wait 24 hours until your husband can see them, that is not going to make any difference – in fact it may actually give them some time to gain a better perspective. So here’s my advice for what it’s worth: guard family meal times (put the telephone answering machine on and let it take the calls); set weekly family times when you can do something together (exactly what will depend on the ages of your kids); and plan annual family holidays which do not include church camps etc. A complete break is good for everyone and will mean that you can go back refreshed and renewed. Mrs P: I need to work on the weekly family time - besides watching TV together. I agree that's a start. I also play games like "Whot," "Ludo" or "Ayoo" with our children with my husband watching us - sometimes. At least, we're all in the same "space" and that counts.

References:
* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/
**http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2014/02/5-ways-to-teach-your-children-to-hate.html

Twelve Tips for Pastors’ Wives*

After celebrating our 2^nd “Mrs Pastor Day” last week, I felt we should have a few tips…and I’m so happy to have found these* from someone whose been one for over 20 years. She had 12 so I’ll start with excerpts of 3 today and post excerpts of the others in subsequent posts.  Note that they are not in any order of priority – I just rearranged them. As usual, my comments are in purple font.

Guard your Relationship with God

This is obvious – but Pastors and their wives struggle with maintaining their spiritual lives just as much as anyone else. There are always other demands on our time – and perhaps because those demands seem ‘spiritual’, we can fool ourselves into thinking we don’t need time with God so much. After all, if we are preparing a Bible study or a Women’s talk, we are in the Word, aren’t we? We are, but it’s not quite the same as that one-to-one intimate time with God where we are just spending time with Him for our own good. So guard that time – selfishly, doggedly – and keep it fresh. Use a devotional, keep a journal, read books on prayer and the devotional life, do whatever you need to keep it fresh. For we cannot lead others where we have not been. Mrs P: Remember the Hierarchy in Ministry? It's all about HIM.** The minute you take your eyes off Him, you'll sink - like Peter did. Don't let anyone - husband, children or church - distract you from God. No one!

Keep Romance Alive

It’s easy for your relationship to be submerged under the demands of the ministry and it all seems so ‘spiritual’ to put God and His kingdom first. But I don’t believe God ever meant us to put the church before our marriages. God should have first place in our lives and then our spouses and families – after that, the church. It is tragic if our marriages are shipwrecked because we have neglected them for the church. No one else is responsible for our marriages but ourselves. So make a date- night – weekly if you can – and guard it with your life. Allow no one and nothing to interrupt it, unless there is an extreme emergency…. Mrs P: This is so true. I intend to be deliberate about (re)introducing date days - not just nights - with my husband.*** 

Keep Your Sense of Humour

Church work is hard. A Pastor’s calling is serious. He is on call 24/7. It is relentless. He feels responsible for the flock in his care. There are heavy counselling problems, difficult theological questions, and complicated political issues within the church. It all takes its toll. Some days there doesn’t seem to be much to laugh about. But – maybe on those days more than ever – you need to remember to have fun. Keep your sense of humour. You don’t need to laugh at the problems – but you do need to maintain perspective and help your husband to maintain his. Don’t take yourself too seriously – and help your husband not to take himself too seriously. In the end of the day, the church is God’s problem – not yours. Mrs P: I agree with Mort Walker that: "Seven days without laughter makes one weak." Same fact applies to prayer. Laugh many times - about many things... 

I'll post the other tips in the coming weeks.

References:

*http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/
** http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2012/06/preachers-wife.html
http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2012/07/its-high-calling.html
http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2012/09/10-ps.html

***http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2012/11/being-mrs-pastor.html
http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2013/07/marriage-matters.html
 

Happy Mrs. Pastor Day

Last year, I came up with the idea of "Mrs. Pastor's Day"* - someone has to start the day. :)

In thinking about how often our lives are described as "Living in a Fishbowl," I decided to look for a picture or 2 - and this one spoke volumes to me...

Not perfect...

...you're a person; yes, human.

 

Last month, I attended a most unusual service and was glad that I did. There was room for anyone who wanted to come but at 1 minute passed the top of the hour, I was still the only congregation member. Talk about one-on-one/personalized church service. The Chaplain was happy that I came and I was happy that I made it this time and also made her day in a way.

How secure...

...is your Home-front?

Last year, someone was telling my husband and I about an attack on a military base (barracks) when the men (fathers) were out protecting/keeping others safe. In a flash, the Holy Spirit said that's what happens in some pastors' homes. Sad...

Remember David's story in 1 Samuel 29 & 30? David and his men went out to help Achish (a Philistine king) fight the Israelites. I'm sure they were hoping that after a (successful) war, they'd go home with plunder - and provision for their families. As it turned out, they went home early only to find that in their absence, they had been plundered.

As Mrs. Pastor and Pastor (of course) we should be careful that in looking out for and looking after other people's families or even earning a living that we're not leaving our own homes unattended or unprotected. I will never tire of pointing to this verse which must be a cornerstone verse for all of us in Ministry leadership positions:

"If someone does not know how to lead [manage] his own family [household], how can that person take care of God's church?"*

It is evident that God expect us to know how to and actually lead/manage our homes before we are truly "licensed" to take care of God's family - the church.

The Bible is replete with examples of people who did the work of the Lord conscientiously but were not as conscientious in taking care of their families. Eli** and his successor Samuel*** come to mind. In fact I wrote about Samuel's wife**** 3 years ago.

Alongside our husbands, we have a responsibility to ensure that our marriage and home remain secure and fortified against the attacks of the enemy. May God give us the wisdom to have the right priorities amidst ministry pressures. AMEN!

References:
* 1 Tim 3:5 - Expanded Bible
** 1 Sam 2: 12 - Now Eli's sons were evil men [scoundrels; good-for-nothings]; they did not care about [know; respect; regard] the Lord. (Expanded Bible)
*** 1 Sam 8: 1 - 5 - When Samuel grew old, he made his sons judges in Israel. The older son was named Joel and the younger Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. But they did not follow their father's example; they were only interested in making money, so they accepted bribes and did not decide cases honestly. Then all the leaders of Israel met together, went to Samuel in Ramah, and said to him, "Look, you are getting and your sons don't follow your example. So then, appoint a king to rule over us, so we will have a king, as other countries have." (GNT)
**** http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2011/07/mrs-s-elkanah.html

Teach...don't preach

God is very careful with His choice of words. Talking about our children, He has always stressed that we teach them, not preach to them. Let's look at the place of first mention: