By his side

I often read/hear about us wives being referred to as being by our respective husbands' sides. In fact, the poem* I shared just before Mother's Day also included that phrase at least 3 times.

So what does it mean to be by your husband's side? Just like a coin, there are 2 very distinct - and conflicting - sides to this special position that only you have - in YOUR husband's life.

Speaking and Spelling in church?

2 months ago, I published a piece* similar to this on my "personal" blog (one jointly owned with my Mrs Pastor friend). When I got this from another Mrs Pastor, I felt I should share it on this "pastoral" blog for several reasons:

1. We need to do our best to be good ambassadors of God at all times - speaking well, speaks well of God (pun intended)
2. Besides revelation of the rhema of the Word - speaking and spelling correctly are tools that help us to be more effective in relaying that revelation
3. To be understood, you need to be understandable - poor grammar (sentence formation, use of tenses etc.) and wrong spelling distract people from the message.

So like the author of this article, I'd like to also ask:

Should Good Grammar Be a Ministry Competency?*

I confess. I’m a grammar cop. In fact, I am so obsessed with good grammar that my co-workers take great delight in catching my occasional written and spoken mistakes.

Perhaps, then, I’m not the most objective person to pursue this theme. I recently read again a Harvard Business Review article by Kyle Wiens, CEO of iFixit and Dozuki. The article carried the intriguing title of “I Won’t Hire People Who Use Poor Grammar. Here’s Why.” Wiens is serious. He requires every applicant to take a grammar test. Those who do poorly do not get hired. The article was written almost two years ago, yet it is still getting comments today.

As I reviewed the article, I pondered. Should we place more emphasis on correct grammar in vocational ministry? Or is such an exercise focusing on minors to the neglect of those matters that are really important?

Though some obvious exceptions exist, I lean toward a greater emphasis on good grammar in vocational ministry. Here are five reasons why:

1. We should do all things for the glory of God. Yes, we should even speak and write well for His glory. Most of us in vocational ministry have little excuse not to learn proper grammar.
2. A significant portion of ministry is communication. Ministers preach. They teach. They write articles. They author blogs. They are in both formal and informal conversations on a regular basis. If we allow for grammatical slippage, how far will we let it go?
3. Good grammar can provide greater credibility. Maybe it’s not fair, but it’s a reality. The better we speak and write, the more likely people are to listen to our message. And we have the greatest message the world has ever known.
4. Good grammar is a reflection of a good work ethic. A person who has not learned the difference between “it’s” and “its” after 30 or more years has not worked hard at grammar. If someone has not worked hard at grammar, can that mean he or she has not worked hard in other areas?
5. Learning good grammar means we take care of the details. The English language is a complicated language. Those who master it are not necessarily the smartest people; but they are people who care about details. Those who care about details in grammar are likely to care about important details in ministry.

I admit I can get picky about sentences ending with prepositions or split infinitives. Those are debated grammatical issues today. But too many people in vocational ministry simply misuse the English language in a much more egregious fashion.

Am I too picky? Do I major on minors with this issue? Are some or all of my points valid? Let me know what you think. This conversation might get interesting.

I'm hoping to read back from you on this...

WARNING:

This does not give us licence to be critical or disrespectful of others...please be careful...

Source:

* http://sapphire-and-beryl.blogspot.ca/2014/04/so-you-think-you-can-spell.html

** http://thomrainer.com/2014/03/24/should-good-grammar-be-a-ministry-competency/

"I didn't sign up for this..."

I sincerely enjoy working for and with the Lord. It was like an "adventure" when I was single... constantly looking forward to the next opportunity to be part of God’s move.

 

Becoming and being Mrs. Pastor is a totally different kettle of fish. A few months ago, in wanting to spend time with and be with my husband, I joined him and our children to set up equipment for service taking place later in the day. As I helped to move things around (and this wasn't my first time doing this), a thought crossed my mind: "I didn't sign up for this."

Help - meet

I was just going through this blog and noticed that I started this post but got only as far as the title. It's true what they say about the challenge of blank page. As I stared at the blank page, it stared back at me; so I started wondering what I was thinking about when I wrote the title.

As I kept staring at the title, it hit me that this "title" is made up of 2 words and each matter separately in our role as wives - especially  as Mrs Pastor. Let me break it down...

The Best Pastor's Wife ever...

Oh wow - this is a great piece...written by a Pastor about his wife. Curious about how I found it? Well, I did a random search for "The Best Pastor's Wife ever" and this was the 2nd result...

This is a worthy read - my comments are in purple font as usual. It's actually good "funny..." guess what I noticed as I pasted this in the post-box? This piece is about a Mrs Pastor who has the same name as one of my friends (my name for her) and today is my friend's birthday... I couldn't have planned this any better. Indeed, our times (& timing) are in God's hands.

Happy Mother's Day

Next Sunday will be the 2nd Mother's Day...the first one was on March 30th.

I believe this is a day that we share with Mothers - we have spiritual labour pains as we travail and travel alongside our husbands in ministry. I found this poem - which is not just apt but will also be a good segue to a future piece: "By his side?" which I'm still piecing together.

The Pastor’s Wife

(by Donna Golden, Georgia, USA)

We often hear of Hero(e)s

On the news at night

How someone went into a fire

To save someone else’s life

But, there’s another Hero

That we never hear about

Thou(gh) her love and dedication

Are never in a doubt

Often took (taken) for granted

Never glorified

Still she keeps on going

For the person by her side

She stands beside him everyday

No matter what is thrown their way

For he was called from above

To spread the message of GODS’ LOVE

And just as he was called

She was hand-picked too

For it takes someone special

To do what she must do

And thou(gh) he may get the glory

And he may get the fame

She will stand beside him with love

And help him just the same

She is the person he turns to

When he needs a friend

She will always be there

To the glorious end.

I would like to take this moment 

to introduce to you  a LOVELY unsung Hero

for whom GOD hand-picked to spend her life 

as The Pastor's WIFE.

My dear Mrs Pastor,
I salute and celebrate you this Mother's Day and always. Celebrate yourself too.

With much love,

Your fellow Mrs Pastor

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (5)

This is the last post in this series - se let's focus on ourselves specifically:

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (4)

This week, I just want to focus on “External affairs” - everybody else & how you interact with them.  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Avoid the Comparison Trap and Keep Juggling

We all do it, whatever our walk in life. Our husbands do it too – but that’s another story. I remember when I was a new pastor’s wife, we spent some time with a seasoned pastoral couple – and I felt so inadequate. I was a young Mum with two very young children, we had moved from N. Ireland to Switzerland to pastor an international church – and this was our first church. The other pastor’s wife had years of experience behind her, her children were much older and she seemed to be involved in so many ministries at her church. When I (enviously) asked her what all she was doing, she told me. But then (wisely and sensitively) she added: ‘You are at a different stage. You have young children at home. All that will come later for you.’ I was thankful for that perspective. Mrs P: The interesting thing is that there's no reason to "rush" because there will always be Ministry matters to deal with. Conversely, there are some "Mummy matters" that must be attended to at a particular time in the life of our child(ren).

Years later, I was indeed involved in several different ministries in church. But what I have found is that, particularly as women, we are juggling several balls in the air at once. Those balls change so quickly from one season of life to another that we have to constantly reassess which balls we need to keep in the air and which balls we can drop. Mrs P: In deciding which ball to drop, realize that something that may be a rubber ball to someone would be a glass ball to you. This is another reason to be wise and not compare yourself to anyone else (see 2 Cor 10:12)

Maintain Friendships outside the Church

You will need a good friend or two to share things with – and experience has taught me that sometimes it is possible to have one or two good friends within the church and sometimes it isn’t. Through the years we have served in ministry, I have been truly blessed to have had one or two good friends within the church, friends I could share with and pray with regularly. (But if you do have special friends within the church, it is best to refrain from making those friendships obvious within the church.) However, sometimes things can become complicated if there are problems within the church so it may be prudent to maintain one or two good friendships outside as well. Then these are safe places where you can share without the waters being muddied by inter-personal loyalties. These are friends you can pray with – regularly – and support one another when the going gets tough. It also helps you gain perspective when you can seek advice from someone who is not part of your own church. Mrs P: I shared how God has blessed me with the opportunity to "pray openly"** lf you don't already have someone you can "pray openly" with, believe me when I say you need someone who wears "similar" shoes as you do. Seek a fellow Mrs. Pastor to share and pray with.  

References:

* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (3)

This week, I just want to focus on 1 “Don't" and 1 "Do."  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Don’t Respond to Every Request for Help

That doesn’t sound very spiritual, I know, but somehow we begin to think that we are there to help out wherever there is someone in need. Whether that’s a marriage on the rocks, a child who needs babysat, or someone who needs their blocked sink fixed – we can’t possibly respond to all the needs of a congregation and stay sane. I remember early on in our time at one church, I sat down in church for a Sunday service and the lady in front turned round and said, ‘Pauline, the sun is coming through the windows and I can’t see the pulpit’. What was I meant to do?!!!

That is a very trivial example – and I did respond to it. I wish I had not taken it on myself to respond to that request, as well as some others. Why do we think we have to? Who do others think we have to? What is our job description anyway? We haven’t got one! So, early on in your ministry with your husband, try to work out what God has gifted you to do – and get on with doing it. Then you need to learn to graciously decline all the other job offers. If all else fails, point the person in the direction of the nearest deacon or elder. Mrs P: Remember the story of the man, his son and donkey? Well, in listening to others and acting on everything they said cost him a lot. Be led my the Spirit of God not the "spitting" of man.

Develop a Thick Skin

Some of us are born with thick skins – others of us have to learn to develop one. I am a sensitive soul and it has taken me a long time to learn to take criticism. But in this calling your husband will constantly be on the receiving end of criticism – and you will come in for your fair share too. Some will be obvious and some will be veiled, from what you wear to church, to how you dress your kids, to how you spend your money.

By the very nature of the job, some church members feel they have the right to point out everything they don’t like – to your husband and about your husband. If you are like me, you would rather hear criticism about yourself than about your husband. So swallow hard, withdraw those claws that are about to pounce, and take some time. It’s always good to reflect on what grain of truth there may be in any criticism and deal with it before dealing with the rest. Mrs P: This is something we should take to heart. Thick skin is not meanness it's about thinking about the meaning of things you hear - there may be something beneath the surface but be careful on what you let get under your skin. I shared an experience of a time I wanted to so defend myself when someone lied about me - worse still, she did it in front of me.  It's not any better if it was behind my back though. My take-away from that experience was to not expend time trying to defend myself - time will tell - and it did. Thank God that He's our Defender - another "D." 

References:

http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (2)

This week, I'll focus on “Internal affairs” – yes, your family.  My comments are in purple font.

Support your Husband

That should be pretty obvious – but somehow it can be lost amidst the flurry of activities, family commitments, church events etc. If you are new to the whole thing and trying to carve out a niche for yourself, you can easily forget that actually your primary role in this ‘job’ is to support your husband. You are, after all ‘the pastor’s wife’. I remember a good friend in one of the churches we served saying to me that in all of the things I did and for all the ministries I was involved in, I could be replaced – but no one else could be the pastor’s wife. You have a unique role there and, although it may not be popular today when we as women are encouraged to ‘find ourselves’, part of your role is to support your husband in the calling which God has given him. There will be things which he can’t share with anyone else; there will be days when he wants to give up; there will be nights when he can’t sleep. Who else is he going to share those things with? Take that calling seriously – and be there for him at those times when he is at his most vulnerable. It is a tremendous privilege. Mrs P: Without him, you wouldn't be Mrs Pastor...and no one else can be his wife. Whatever you do, complement don't compete with him. A compliment now and again helps.
 

Protect your Children

Our children have a tremendous privilege growing up in pastoral families. They can get to see church as God intended it. They may see God work in amazing ways. They experience miracles firsthand. They receive unexpected gifts, maybe even wonderful vacations. Their Dad may be free to attend sports events or other activities during the working day because his time is more flexible than other Dads’ time.

But they also see church as we fallen human beings can make it. They know the toll it takes. They see their weary parents. They know the times when their Dad isn’t available because there’s a crisis going on. They hear criticism too.

So make sure they are aware of all the positive aspects of being a Pastor’s kid – and guard them when you can from the negative side, whether that is pressure from others or criticism of their Dad. Try to make sure they don’t overhear conversations they would be better not hearing. And release them from pressure which comes from others. Mrs P: A few weeks ago, I shared a very thought-provoking and hopefully an action-demanding, piece on pitfalls to avoid.**

Guard your Family Time

Emergencies….now there’s a problem. What exactly constitutes an emergency? The trouble is that everyone thinks their problem is an emergency. Whether it’s little Johnny who has fallen at school, his Mum who has gone into labour at home, or his granny who is in hospital for her knee operation – they all need your husband and they need him now. We are all the same when we’re in need – we want help and we want it now. But very few problems are emergencies. Even that distressing telephone call when the young woman assures you that her marriage is about to break up if your husband doesn’t come now – even that is not an emergency. It has taken 10 years to get to that point and if they have to wait 24 hours until your husband can see them, that is not going to make any difference – in fact it may actually give them some time to gain a better perspective. So here’s my advice for what it’s worth: guard family meal times (put the telephone answering machine on and let it take the calls); set weekly family times when you can do something together (exactly what will depend on the ages of your kids); and plan annual family holidays which do not include church camps etc. A complete break is good for everyone and will mean that you can go back refreshed and renewed. Mrs P: I need to work on the weekly family time - besides watching TV together. I agree that's a start. I also play games like "Whot," "Ludo" or "Ayoo" with our children with my husband watching us - sometimes. At least, we're all in the same "space" and that counts.

References:
* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/
**http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2014/02/5-ways-to-teach-your-children-to-hate.html