Our God is amazing. Just last week I talked about how no Mrs. Pastor is "Wonder Woman"* only to see the same reference in a piece another Mrs. Pastor shared with me on the same day I published my piece.
So here's the piece I got. I'll add my pictures & comments (Mrs. Pastor) in other font colours other than black - you'll know them when you see them.
Nine secrets your Pastor's Wife wishes you knew**
She’s always there. Sometimes in the background, sometimes with a
welcoming smile up front, sometimes noticed and appreciated, sometimes being
silently judged. Your pastor’s wife; the powerful force behind most church
leaders often perceived as a mystery by the rest of the church. It doesn’t have
to be that way.
What if we just asked our pastor’s wife to candidly, honestly,
even anonymously share some of their secrets? What if we invited them to share
their hearts and tell us what they wished the church knew?
I posed a simple, open ended question to a panel of pastors’ wives
in different states, from different denominations, with various years of
service, “If you could tell the church a few things about your role as a
pastor’s wife, what would you say?”
The women selected are the wives of music ministers, children’s
leaders, senior pastors and youth pastors. Some of them serve in churches with
large staff and even larger budgets, others in newer church plants, and even
some from old and barely surviving congregations. Despite such different
backgrounds, their responses were strangely similar and in several cases,
almost identical.
I’ve sat for coffee, exchanged emails and had lengthy
conversations with many who freely shared their secrets with me in exchange for
the promise of anonymity. What follows is a condensed collection of their
words.
1) “I wish people knew that we struggle to have family time.”
There was one common response that I received from every single
pastor’s wife. Every. Single. One. Over and over again, many pastors’ wives
shared numerous occasions where planned vacations had been cut short (wouldn’t
that be hard?). They told me tales of family evenings being rearranged for
crises of church members, middle of the night emergencies and regular
interruptions. A true day off is rare; even on scheduled days off their
husbands are essentially on call 24/7. Mrs. Pastor: I feel that we need to make the most of our time in town - sometimes you can have a "stay-cation." We need to set and respect our own boundaries. It can be difficult but don't give up without trying.
2) “Almost every day I’m afraid of screwing it all up.”
They don’t have it all together. They battle many of the same
issues every other woman battles: marriage issues, extended family
difficulties, sickness, finances, children who make poor decisions, fear and
insecurities. Some seasons of life are obviously harder than others; but
remember, ministry wives are not Wonder Woman with special powers. Please have
a little mercy and extend grace. Mrs. Pastor: This is a great place to add that "we all bleed 'red'" - yes, blood red and so do our husbands and children.
3) “Being a pastor’s wife is THE loneliest thing I’ve ever done
and for so many reasons.”
Personally, I think this is surprising to many (it was to me).
Several ladies shared the difficulties of finding friendships that are safe,
being looked at (or treated) differently and even the desire to be invited for
an occasional ladies night out. One woman shared, “Invite us to something just
to get to know us. We like being known.” People in the church often assume that
the pastor’s wife is always invited and popular. In reality, for whatever
reason, many ladies fear befriending them. On Sunday mornings pastors’ wives
are often sitting solo and those with children are essentially single
parenting. Mrs. Pastor: I believe that we are lonely because we choose to be. No one but us decide whether to live in a "fishbowl"*** or not. As far as I know,there's no rule that our friends should be close by. In fact, it's better to have friends who are close in heart than close in sight because sometimes those close by may have the same beclouded judgment and not give sound counsel. The other part to it is if you and your children don't get invited to things, have your events and invite people to them. Remember it's not a popularity contest or an election campaign. If all else fails, it is helpful to look inwards and ask: "Is there something about me that I need to change?" Our Ever-present Spirit-oscope will guide you into all truth.
4) “It is okay and welcomed to have conversations with me about
things that do not pertain to church, or even Jesus. There I said it!”
They have a variety of interests. Believe it or not, many pastor’s
wives went to college and had full time careers before becoming “Mrs. Pastor’s
wife.” Mrs. Pastor: I disagree with the "Mrs. Pastor wife" - you're either "Mrs. Pastor" or "Pastor's wife" not both - God forbid! I'd like to believe this was a typo. Let's move on... They have hobbies, likes and dislikes, and though they often serve
beside their husband, they are individuals with their own unique gifts. Do not
make the mistake of assuming your pastor’s wife has the same personality as
their husband. One wife shared that as newly-weds when they announced their
engagement people regularly commented on how good of a singer she must be
(because her husband to be was a music minister). When she shared that she
sounded more like a dying cat than an elegant song bird the shock on their
faces was evident. Mrs. Pastor: Clarify & clear assumptions - be really real & REAL.****
5) “Sundays are sometimes my least favorite day. Wait– am I
allowed to say that?”
Sundays are hard. And long. And there is no rest. To a pastor’s
wife, Sunday means an early morning of rushing around to have the family ready
in their “Sunday Best.” Although you may not see your pastor’s wife on the
platform, rest assured, Sunday is equally tiring for most (all) of them. Mrs. Pastor: Let's not forget all the prep and prayers that go ahead of Sunday.
6) “It’s hard to not harbor resentment or to allow your flesh to
lash out at members who openly criticize his ministry.”
They hate church criticism more then anything. It’s hurtful.
Offensive, and yes, it’s very hard not to take it personally. It is one of the
most damaging things they witness regularly inside the church whether it be
through emails, social media or gossip. They wish people understood how serious
God’s word speaks on the danger and power of our words. And how much it injures
the pastor’s family. Mrs. Pastor: For me, it's a continual prayer for more grace to overcome my "ego" and more grease to my elbows and focus on the work God has called us to. We all bleed red but when we remember that those who are dead (yes physically) don't hear or care about what people say about them. with God's help, some of those things should be water off a duck's back.***** Not easy but practice makes progress...
7) “Please don’t look down on me or assume I don’t support my
husband just because you don’t see me every time the churches doors are open.”
Most wives are not paid staff. They are wives, mothers, and some
are employed outside the home and need to be allowed the freedom to pray and
choose ministries they feel called to. Mrs. Pastor: You know, if we don't support our husbands, they may not even be in ministry. Pillars that support buildings are sometimes seen and sometimes not...same concept.
8) “I wish people knew that we taught our children to make good
choices, but sometimes, they don’t.”
Jokes about pastor’s kids should be avoided at all costs. The risk
of rebellion in a “preacher’s kid” is no secret. They aren’t perfect, and never
will be (are yours?). They have to learn to walk in their faith just like other
children and need encouragement and love to do so. Again, extend grace. Mrs. Pastor: Remember my comment in #2? And then, children are just that - children.
9) “What I can tell you is I have been blessed beyond measure, I
have been given gifts, money, love and prayer, so much prayer… by so many.”
They love their church and understand the role comes with special
challenges and special blessings; it is fulfilling and brings them great joy. Mrs. Pastor: I personally appreciate every member of our church & keep asking God for ideas on how to show & say it more to more people.
One Extra Thought
Though it was not a common response, there was one that stood out.
The top of the list of one seasoned pastor’s wife simply read, “I deleted my
number 1.” Some secrets are so difficult to share, even the promise of complete
confidence is not enough to bring them out.
These Godly women have something they want us to know and as a
body of believers working together towards the same goal I think we might gain
a better understanding of how to appreciate our leaders by listening. All of
these responses point to a singular truth. Your pastor’s wife is a human being
that desires to be known, just as you do. Mrs. Pastor: It's red within.
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