Our marriage has had challenges. We’ve had some
interesting years due to our two strong personalities and the pressures of ministry. Mrs Pastor: "When leaders live together" by Larry and Devi Titus is an amazing book that has really helped me (Secret: I should get my husband to read it too :) )
One day we had an epiphany that altered the dynamic of our relationship in a
significant way. We realized that we spent most of our time trying to change
each other to be what the other needed. One of us said, “You know what? Just
fix yourself. Stop trying to change me.” Needless to say, that did not go over
well in the moment. But it was an important truth that once completely grasped,
helped us tremendously. “Just fix yourself” became a common phrase around our
house.
So many people spend a lot of energy trying to
alter the behavior of their spouses. However, it is not possible to change
someone else. Mrs Pastor: This is painfully true - and "frustrating" for each spouse. It's a total waste of time and emotion. Stop thinking you can "work miracles" here, the reason is very simple.
No matter how clearly you communicate your desire for change, how
well you lay out the blueprint of what you want them to be, or how often you voice
your opinion on how they should speak or act, the other person must decide to
change. The only person you can change is yourself.
Once you begin to evaluate your heart and behavior,
you will find that you have a lot more fixing to do than you thought! One way
to start changing yourself is to use I Corinthians 13 and ask yourself if you
are doing what love would do. According to this passage in the Message Bible,
love never gives up! Love cares more for others than self, it doesn’t strut, it
doesn’t force itself, it isn’t always “me first,” it doesn’t fly off the
handle, it doesn’t keep score of the sins, it takes pleasure in the flowering
of truth, it puts up with anything, it trusts God always, it always looks for
the best, it never looks back, but keeps going to the end.
Could you use repair in any of these areas? If so, get to work on yourself! When you shift your focus to changing you, you will begin to see change in your marriage!
- Are there areas of your marriage where you have tried to change your spouse? What has the result been?
- Evaluate yourself for a moment. What is one thing about you that you need to fix?
- How can you begin to focus less on changing your spouse and more on changing yourself?
Matthew 7:3-5 - 3 Why do you look at the[insignificant] speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the [egregious] log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me get the speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye?5 You hypocrite (play-actor, pretender), first get the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (AMPC)
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