Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (5)

This is the last post in this series - se let's focus on ourselves specifically:

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (4)

This week, I just want to focus on “External affairs” - everybody else & how you interact with them.  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Avoid the Comparison Trap and Keep Juggling

We all do it, whatever our walk in life. Our husbands do it too – but that’s another story. I remember when I was a new pastor’s wife, we spent some time with a seasoned pastoral couple – and I felt so inadequate. I was a young Mum with two very young children, we had moved from N. Ireland to Switzerland to pastor an international church – and this was our first church. The other pastor’s wife had years of experience behind her, her children were much older and she seemed to be involved in so many ministries at her church. When I (enviously) asked her what all she was doing, she told me. But then (wisely and sensitively) she added: ‘You are at a different stage. You have young children at home. All that will come later for you.’ I was thankful for that perspective. Mrs P: The interesting thing is that there's no reason to "rush" because there will always be Ministry matters to deal with. Conversely, there are some "Mummy matters" that must be attended to at a particular time in the life of our child(ren).

Years later, I was indeed involved in several different ministries in church. But what I have found is that, particularly as women, we are juggling several balls in the air at once. Those balls change so quickly from one season of life to another that we have to constantly reassess which balls we need to keep in the air and which balls we can drop. Mrs P: In deciding which ball to drop, realize that something that may be a rubber ball to someone would be a glass ball to you. This is another reason to be wise and not compare yourself to anyone else (see 2 Cor 10:12)

Maintain Friendships outside the Church

You will need a good friend or two to share things with – and experience has taught me that sometimes it is possible to have one or two good friends within the church and sometimes it isn’t. Through the years we have served in ministry, I have been truly blessed to have had one or two good friends within the church, friends I could share with and pray with regularly. (But if you do have special friends within the church, it is best to refrain from making those friendships obvious within the church.) However, sometimes things can become complicated if there are problems within the church so it may be prudent to maintain one or two good friendships outside as well. Then these are safe places where you can share without the waters being muddied by inter-personal loyalties. These are friends you can pray with – regularly – and support one another when the going gets tough. It also helps you gain perspective when you can seek advice from someone who is not part of your own church. Mrs P: I shared how God has blessed me with the opportunity to "pray openly"** lf you don't already have someone you can "pray openly" with, believe me when I say you need someone who wears "similar" shoes as you do. Seek a fellow Mrs. Pastor to share and pray with.  

References:

* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (3)

This week, I just want to focus on 1 “Don't" and 1 "Do."  Again, my comments are in purple font.

Don’t Respond to Every Request for Help

That doesn’t sound very spiritual, I know, but somehow we begin to think that we are there to help out wherever there is someone in need. Whether that’s a marriage on the rocks, a child who needs babysat, or someone who needs their blocked sink fixed – we can’t possibly respond to all the needs of a congregation and stay sane. I remember early on in our time at one church, I sat down in church for a Sunday service and the lady in front turned round and said, ‘Pauline, the sun is coming through the windows and I can’t see the pulpit’. What was I meant to do?!!!

That is a very trivial example – and I did respond to it. I wish I had not taken it on myself to respond to that request, as well as some others. Why do we think we have to? Who do others think we have to? What is our job description anyway? We haven’t got one! So, early on in your ministry with your husband, try to work out what God has gifted you to do – and get on with doing it. Then you need to learn to graciously decline all the other job offers. If all else fails, point the person in the direction of the nearest deacon or elder. Mrs P: Remember the story of the man, his son and donkey? Well, in listening to others and acting on everything they said cost him a lot. Be led my the Spirit of God not the "spitting" of man.

Develop a Thick Skin

Some of us are born with thick skins – others of us have to learn to develop one. I am a sensitive soul and it has taken me a long time to learn to take criticism. But in this calling your husband will constantly be on the receiving end of criticism – and you will come in for your fair share too. Some will be obvious and some will be veiled, from what you wear to church, to how you dress your kids, to how you spend your money.

By the very nature of the job, some church members feel they have the right to point out everything they don’t like – to your husband and about your husband. If you are like me, you would rather hear criticism about yourself than about your husband. So swallow hard, withdraw those claws that are about to pounce, and take some time. It’s always good to reflect on what grain of truth there may be in any criticism and deal with it before dealing with the rest. Mrs P: This is something we should take to heart. Thick skin is not meanness it's about thinking about the meaning of things you hear - there may be something beneath the surface but be careful on what you let get under your skin. I shared an experience of a time I wanted to so defend myself when someone lied about me - worse still, she did it in front of me.  It's not any better if it was behind my back though. My take-away from that experience was to not expend time trying to defend myself - time will tell - and it did. Thank God that He's our Defender - another "D." 

References:

http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/

Twelve tips for Pastors’ Wives* (2)

This week, I'll focus on “Internal affairs” – yes, your family.  My comments are in purple font.

Support your Husband

That should be pretty obvious – but somehow it can be lost amidst the flurry of activities, family commitments, church events etc. If you are new to the whole thing and trying to carve out a niche for yourself, you can easily forget that actually your primary role in this ‘job’ is to support your husband. You are, after all ‘the pastor’s wife’. I remember a good friend in one of the churches we served saying to me that in all of the things I did and for all the ministries I was involved in, I could be replaced – but no one else could be the pastor’s wife. You have a unique role there and, although it may not be popular today when we as women are encouraged to ‘find ourselves’, part of your role is to support your husband in the calling which God has given him. There will be things which he can’t share with anyone else; there will be days when he wants to give up; there will be nights when he can’t sleep. Who else is he going to share those things with? Take that calling seriously – and be there for him at those times when he is at his most vulnerable. It is a tremendous privilege. Mrs P: Without him, you wouldn't be Mrs Pastor...and no one else can be his wife. Whatever you do, complement don't compete with him. A compliment now and again helps.
 

Protect your Children

Our children have a tremendous privilege growing up in pastoral families. They can get to see church as God intended it. They may see God work in amazing ways. They experience miracles firsthand. They receive unexpected gifts, maybe even wonderful vacations. Their Dad may be free to attend sports events or other activities during the working day because his time is more flexible than other Dads’ time.

But they also see church as we fallen human beings can make it. They know the toll it takes. They see their weary parents. They know the times when their Dad isn’t available because there’s a crisis going on. They hear criticism too.

So make sure they are aware of all the positive aspects of being a Pastor’s kid – and guard them when you can from the negative side, whether that is pressure from others or criticism of their Dad. Try to make sure they don’t overhear conversations they would be better not hearing. And release them from pressure which comes from others. Mrs P: A few weeks ago, I shared a very thought-provoking and hopefully an action-demanding, piece on pitfalls to avoid.**

Guard your Family Time

Emergencies….now there’s a problem. What exactly constitutes an emergency? The trouble is that everyone thinks their problem is an emergency. Whether it’s little Johnny who has fallen at school, his Mum who has gone into labour at home, or his granny who is in hospital for her knee operation – they all need your husband and they need him now. We are all the same when we’re in need – we want help and we want it now. But very few problems are emergencies. Even that distressing telephone call when the young woman assures you that her marriage is about to break up if your husband doesn’t come now – even that is not an emergency. It has taken 10 years to get to that point and if they have to wait 24 hours until your husband can see them, that is not going to make any difference – in fact it may actually give them some time to gain a better perspective. So here’s my advice for what it’s worth: guard family meal times (put the telephone answering machine on and let it take the calls); set weekly family times when you can do something together (exactly what will depend on the ages of your kids); and plan annual family holidays which do not include church camps etc. A complete break is good for everyone and will mean that you can go back refreshed and renewed. Mrs P: I need to work on the weekly family time - besides watching TV together. I agree that's a start. I also play games like "Whot," "Ludo" or "Ayoo" with our children with my husband watching us - sometimes. At least, we're all in the same "space" and that counts.

References:
* http://talesfromtaughlumny.wordpress.com/ministry-matters/twelve-tips-for-pastors-wives/
**http://mrs-pastor-and-pastor-mrs.blogspot.ca/2014/02/5-ways-to-teach-your-children-to-hate.html