Mrs. Pastor: Heart or Hat? (1)

Planning ahead, as I sometimes successfully do, I was thinking about a theme for this month. After much thought, I decided that since February is gradually becoming known as "Heart Month," I should write along the same lines. Nothing was coming from within, so to speak, so I reached out (more like, researched) to seek external expressions and found an article titled: "The pastor's wife: detached, supportive, incorporated?"*

Knowing that I can be all of these - at different times of course, I decided to share it with you and see whether it's your heart or the hat you're wearing at the time that places you in one (or maybe none) of these groups... Now since it is "Heart month" you'll notice that my comments on clips from the article are in red font.

Annie Machamire (who is a Mrs. Pastor in Zimbabwe) got the idea of her article’s title from a 1966 book “Minister's Wife: Person or Position?” by Marilyn Brown Oden.

According to Annie, the book says that pastors' wives may be broadly divided into three basic groups: the detached, the background supporter, and the incorporated or active participant.¹ As usual, I wanted to get a copy of the book to read for myself. When I found this picture of the book, my first thought was: "Wow - this book is so old that it needs pillows for a prop-up." :) Indeed, with long life will God satisfy us. :)

Back to the article - which may be the closest I'll get to this book. After I read the categories, I was led to add one of mine: Echo or Shadow - not sure which but we can decide as I continue to write…

The detached (“Mrs D”)

The detached pastor's wife does not perceive herself as a particularly important (I’d say “integral”) part of her husband's ministry. She is married to the man, not his job. (What a "job" at that…it’s the life some of us live day-in and day-out). It is important to her that her husband's profession not interfere with their personal life. (I hear “Mrs D” but surely don’t agree with her completely). She is not necessarily concerned about fulfilling the expectations of the congregation. (If you ask me, this could be a "ministry-mistake" if not handled with wisdom). Because she refrains from this role, she is freer to be herself and, among other things, to perhaps pursue her own career goals or to devote herself more single-mindedly to the rearing of her children, especially if they are at their younger stages of development. (There is nothing wrong - and everything right - with setting the right priorities e.g. family before ministry. It is critical to realize that your marriage is more important than family - remember it's all about HIM** - pun intended). It is important to note that not every pastor's wife who pursues her own career or concerns is necessarily detached. (I agree with this. It's wrong to assume that every Mrs Pastor who's a professional is a Mrs D).

The detached wife may be frustrated when people simply associate her with her husband's ministry. In this kind of pastoral marriage, a husband may feel a lack of support from his wife and experience a sense of aloneness in his ministry and, perhaps, in his marriage as a whole. This could negatively affect his work. He might, for example, find it difficult to minister to some of the female members of his congregation or to effectively fulfill some of his roles as husband and father. (Mrs Pastor, whatever you do you must step up here - to protect your husband, marriage & ministry. It may seem selfish - and that's alright here!)

Molly Wesley, wife of Methodist preacher John Wesley, is an example of the detached pastoral wife. She was not as educated as her husband. She did not have the same social standing. Apparently, because of these and other factors, she never really felt part of Wesley's public ministry.² (All husbands, not just pastors, need to help their wives “up” so they can stand by them - I can go on on this topic but let's leave it here for now).

The less assertive woman may not want to be heavily involved in working with many people, especially in the public aspects of ministry. She may lack the needed confidence or giftedness for such a role. I remember talking about this "giftedness" in the "Leading ladies" post.*** She may be shy. She may feel she lacks skills in ministerial work and, therefore, sense that she has little to offer her husband in his work. She then may tend to feel detached. I agree that a Mrs Pastor who is an introvert could easily find this to be her story/situation...

Once again, I believe husbands should know and help their wives. I know that all of us have something to offer to the ministry – each person bring different things. If we focus on our heart and our love for God, the “hat(s)” you think people are expecting you to wear will pale into insignificance. Alternatively, wear a Heart-Hat...and your heart (filled with love for God) should "show on your face" and in all you do.

The key factor in this kind of pastoral marriage is that a wife remain emotionally and spiritually available to her husband and the work of ministry and that the two of them communicatively forge out a mutually satisfying relationship. The worst thing any Mrs Pastor can do is be detached from her marriage – and unfortunately, people like Mrs D are on a slippery slope because some Pastors are so attached to their ministries that they do not realize when they get detached from their detached wife – only God can help then! May it never get to that for us.

AMEN!!

(To be continued)

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